everytime i read a great quote i feel i must post it on my blog

Although we cannot always preserve our recollection, yet must do so from time to time, and at least once a day, either in the morning or in the evening. In the morning form your intention, and at night examine your conduct, what you have done, said, and thought during the day, for in each of these you may have often offended both God and your neighbor.

Thomas a Kempis

I LOVE THAT QUOTE!
I plan on doing this as a new years resolution as well as NOT texting or talking(less) on the mobile (cellphone) while driving :/ i know, bad Kori!

what will your new years resolutions be?? come on think...there's still time yet and please, share! this is a safe place ^wink^wink;)


I am a wanderer who wants to become a pilgrim...

pigs

so i am thinking, numba 1 my last post was too overwhelmingly academic and LONG/BORING and i should have posted those models, gradually throughout the semester. o well. Numba 2 that my title "Intellectual Joy" should probably change since i'm not really feelin' that JOY per say anymore from college classes! (a little sarcasm) and lastly, Numba 3 molly our house's kitty is curled up in a ball next to me on my bed while i finish my last papers of the semester and it is just too precious!!!

this post has nothing to do with pigs but heck, pigs permeate almost every part of my life, hehe.

What I've been thinking about this Fall Semester

These are 4 briefs describing four different ways Christians can think about other religions...(Christian Theologies of Religions) which I had written throughout this semester for class.

I am posting them here for discussion purposes, so please...what do you think of them? is there one or none or more than one you connect or agree with? I have yet to write my own persuasive essay for the end of the semester paper, but that will be coming soon and I hope to grow from writing it.

The Total Replacement Model

Argument Synopsis

Most evangelicals would accept the total replacement model of theology in understanding people of other religions. In essence this model sees little to no value in other religions. It holds to the gospel message as the ultimate answer to all faith-lacking religions, including its own; Christianity.

Foundational Features

The Replacement Model conforms to Barthian theology of the inadequacy of religion while simultaneously revealing Christianity’s uniqueness and ability to go deeper than theology. Their unshakable ground consists of the Four Alones which describe how Christianity stands out among other religions; through grace, faith, Christ and scripture!

Strengths

The major strength of this model is that Christianity is broken down to its very core message which can be helpful to confused, seeking people. It is both humble in acknowledging the problems with religion in general but strongly convicted that Christianity is the only one saved by grace.

Problems

The major problem with this model is the overall attitude towards other religions. There is a lack of respect, which tends to divide rather than unite. So, its goal is not inter-religious dialogue but rather to foster “religious competition” causing negative views of God.

Implications for Applied Theology

The total replacement model sees no purpose engaging other religious people. If they do it’s to share the gospel but leave the rest up to God. However, the partial replacement branch off of this model has more potential for inter-faith dialogue due to their understanding that it is part of living out their faith.

Conclusion

I disagree with the replacement model’s argument. I do admire the fervor to share the gospel; however the interpretation of scripture is not holistic but taken out of context. And a group who is unwilling to listen or show enough decency to leave room for God’s revelation outside of their faith is un-Christian.

The Fulfillment Model

Argument Synopsis

According to the fulfillment model, non-Christian religions can be ways of salvation. In being faithfully Trinitarian, God’s saving grace can be realized through his Spirit in infinite ways by anyone. And it will work in ways consistent with Christ. God’s kingdom is greater than the Church; however there is no salvation without the Church.

Foundational Features

This model seeks balance between the universal side of God and the particular side of Jesus. And so Jesus does not need to be everyone’s efficient cause of salvation but will ultimately be the final cause. It is part of the church’s duty to be dialogical because Jesus is the fullest revelation of God’s saving grace.

Strengths

This model recognizes a greater openness and freedom that the trinity possesses. By engaging non-Christians out of belief that God’s grace and truth inhabit them as well, creates fruitful inter-faith dialogue. This position seeks genuine, two-way dialogue with others without forsaking the Church’s necessary presence in the world.

Problems

Even though the model seeks balance through the Holy Spirit working in other religions, Jesus’ particularity outweighs God’s universality. A problem within this theology is the risk of falling out of Christian tradition due to religious pluralism. The non-negotiable aspects of all religions must not become abolished or ignored with the fulfillment model.

Implications for Applied Theology

Sharing of the gospel is equally important as gaining new truths from other religions that do not contradict but enhance our biblically based revelations. This model challenges those who keep their Christian faith in isolation to embody the dialogical church we are called to be. Dialoguing fosters peaceful relations with making visible God’s reign on earth.

Conclusion

Pioneering catholic theologians have led the church throughout history as no other Christian church has previously done by exploring the universal side of God’s love to affirm the positive value in other religions. I agree with this model’s visionary attempts to balance limited human assumptions with God’s mystery and infinite nature.

The Acceptance Model

Argument Synopsis

The Acceptance model seeks to focus more on the real differences that exist between the religions rather than the deceivingly false universal similarities. Through diversity one can find unity of all religions. A high Christology is not compromised, but action prior to theology is the preferred chronology of dialogue.

Foundational Features

The “good neighbor” policy is the essential ground on which any dialogical relationship can begin, if both sides hope to find fulfillment with a greater awareness of the divine. An embracing of each religion’s particularities is fundamental in this model. Reason is required to step down for humility to compensate.

Strengths

The explanations for how the Trinity displays both God’s overarching plan of diversity in humans as well as the divine itself is stimulatingly though-provoking. And uniformly embracing each religion’s particularities shows the strength in this model’s capabilities of respect toward the other.

Problems

With the utter rejection of any common universals between religions there is less hope for a unified religious body in which all can feel an equal, legitimate part of its greater whole. Christians with the priority of conversion may be more apt to reject this because of their exclusivist position.

Implications for Applied Theology

An adherent to this mode will have the goal of friendship first. Having no agenda other than to listen and share. It is all simply an opportunity to learn, never to overcome certain boundaries to reach a comfortable commonality. Self-criticism is mandatory for creating that basis for a relational interaction.

Conclusion

Its insistence upon orthopraxy and orthodoxy among the religions makes it unique and fitting to its name. Its postmodern influence as well forms to our current globalizing world. I agree with the statement, “our unity is in our diversity” and that this model holds great potential for furthering inter-religious dialogue.

The Mutuality Model

Argument Synopsis

The three bridges of the Mutuality Model hope to convey in different languages how Christians, by altering their perception of Jesus, can be able to foster authentic dialogue with others. All religions share a mutual agenda to move from self-centeredness to other-centeredness. Inter-faith dialoguing can be modeled after the Trinity.

Foundational Features

This model upholds relationships and within Christianity focuses more on the Universality of the faith and Jesus to accomplish that. Approaching other religions on their own level, balancing our commonalities with the distinctive differences is essential. Religious differences do matter however they converge on the crucial doctrines of experience.

Strengths

Drawing upon personal experiences in the Mystical Bridge is a strong aspect of this model because of its ability to transcend doctrinal disputes and accentuate another part of all religions. Many can relate more to the Ethical-Practical Bridge because it allows for productivity outside of them, covertly opening meaningful dialogue.

Problems

Appearing to be pluralistic and relativistic is for some problematic. This model risks sounding contradictory in its claim to honor all religious differences while also claiming that all religions are not equal. Exclusivists from any religion will find little value in this model because of such sentiments.

Implications for Applied Theology

A healthy and natural type of dialoguing is foreseen with the Mutuality Model because it will take place most likely in comfortable environments where both practitioners are assumed equal and valuable to the “team”.

Conclusion

Again the philosophical, mystical and practical bridges that make up this model create a wide array of opportunity for dialoguing. Theologian Raimon Panikkar summarizes such complexity with simplifying the mutuality model down to a mystery in all religions, which is both transcendent and immanent.

life in motion with constant stops.

I've noticed that recently, for some reason, i enjoy putting a period at the end of everything, like when it is not necessary. And for the first time today it dawned on me ironically that maybe this has to do with something deeper underneath the surface of my life. That is what i am attempting to do for the moment; update you readers and myself on the happenings of Kori's life in Harrisburg.

I will use Charles Dickens' introduction to his Tale of Two Cities to begin. It was the worst of times and it was the best of times now i am finished classes(best of times) and now i have to study and write many papers(worst of times)! I know the end is so close and a new beginning with it, however i'm still moving at the pace of a turtle most days, but with millions of thoughts/ideas/plans fleeting through my brain all the while, which gives the alterior feeling of moving too quicly, sprinting without thinking ahead! I bet this makes little sense to any one unfamiliar with well, there's no name for it i suppose, but this "state of mind" if you will.

However alot of good has come out of this "turtle pace" i've been taking strides in and one of them i am reminded daily, not every waking moment, but at least once a day; that there is hope. There is more to Kori's life than college, academia, papers, grades, etc. and that if she can remember this and act upon it by living out other areas of her life in relation to the college part, than the hope can sustain her. I am growing and I can see it in these tiny decisions i make each day.

Sometimes the decision is only visible to me and creates an unfortunate and unintended consequence in my close relationships, because i desire more recognition of my small but large "accomplishments". This i think is a lesson worth learning and trying hard to change about oneself and that is, to remember the other person, their life situation, their daily trials and tribulations, joys and ups and consider them with as much importance as your own. And i need not desire their recognition too highly because as we all know and learn from human interaction and experience, people will let you down, even without meaning or trying to but that is just the way things are. And is it not better to get over that hump early on so that it becomes less of a hump; in time instead of wiping out and landing on your face you will merely trip a little and then it is so little and insignificant that it is laughable! And what little things make you laugh on a dreary, hard average Tuesday of the week can actually become monumental in altering your day to a sunny one:) (i know, corny) but, believe me i have found this is how and why the small things in life actually are the most important things and the "biggest" in terms of significance and meaning to us as human beings.

AND p.s. --> laughter is seriously the BEST kind of medicine, this is why all my friends who i cherish the most all just make me laugh and enjoy life!
Thank you to them, Period.

Music speaks

Just because i'm losing
Doesn't mean i'm lost
Doesn't mean i'll stop
Doesn't mean i will cross.

Just because i'm hurting
Doesn't mean i'm hurt
Doesn't mean i didn't get what i deserved
No better and no worse.
*******************************
This (Coldplay's lyrics from song "Lost") is what I would have wanted to say to any friend or family member, when i came home for this past Thanksgiving holiday--to explain where I am right now in my life. that is, if i could sing instrumentally and communicate in that ideal way:)

I am finishing up this semester, constantly checking myself, my mood, and making myself persevere to not slip down depression's slippery slope and to fulfill my goal of completing my education and attaining my college degree (at last)
OH yeah, and for the benefit of myself in every way!

Grace

Grace is my grandmother on my father's sides' name and I used to think it was blah, old-fashioned and just not a name i would name my future children. But today, and i think its been long and coming, my view has changed:) ha ha. What i am trying to say is, grace, just the concept of it is something right now in my faith that i can hold on to and believe in with all of me! Driving in the car today I've been repeating the U2 Song "Grace" and i would like to share the lyrics.

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name (my favorite part of the song! listen to it)

Grace...
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that, changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside... of karma

When she goes to work, you can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace...
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings...
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty in everything

Dear Journal,

Are you ever homesick for a place you don't even know of? Recently I have been in such a state of mind where I'm always looking forward and wishing for certain events and creating more expectations. This is a confusing time in my life. This weekend is homecoming weekend and funny how I feel nothing for it. I was just writing my good friend who is in another country half way around the world and was trying to describe to her where my life is right now and how it feels to be in my fifth year of college at Messiah.
If you are at all familiar with loneliness or have at some point experienced the strange phenomenon of feeling so utterly alone, even as you are surrounded by others, maybe you can relate to me. It is a psychological loneliness not a physical one; no matter how many bodies are around your body, your mind is convinced that you are on your own in whatever pursuit or path it declares for you. Usually for me, this feeling comes when I experience social anxiety; large groups, even of friends and people I know can scare me off enough to enter into this lonely place where I believe I cannot be reached, by anyone, and it is all up to me to feel better or change somehow. Or in the usual case to continue feeling lonely and wade it out until something or someone comes along to break me from the hypnosis.

"And they're sharing a drink they call loneliness. But it's better than drinkin' alone."

Best Question I could every ask of myself

Heart, can you please infuse my soul with a more generous perspective on my mind’s workings?

quote by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

good reading...

This is from the chapter entitled, All the way down, in Parker Palmer's little book-
Let Your Life Speak:Listening for the Voice of Vocation

This man needed to understand his clinical depression as a spiritual journey, and that is what this chapter goes through...and having gone through stages of depression myself, these words ring so true, so deep and move me to no words (for now) but to shake my head with a compelling sense to repeat it here for others to read. And it has encouraged me to later write on my own journey...And even if you have never been depressed, this is good to read to know how to be a helpful presence to someone you may encounter, and trust me, you will, this is not such an uncommon illness as you may be inclined to believe just because it is not widely talked about.


"One of the hardest things we must do sometimes is to be present to another person's pain without trying to "fix" it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person's mystery and misery. Standing there, we feel useless and powerless, which is exactly what a depressed person feels--and our unconscious need as Job's comforters (referring to the biblical story of Job) is to reassure ourselves that we are not like the sad soul before us."

"For a long time, the "oughts" had been the driving force in my life-and when I failed to live "up" to those oughts, I saw myself as a weak and faithless person. I never stopped to ask, "How does such-and-such fit my God-given nature?"or "Is such-and-such truly my gift and call?" As a result, important parts of the life I was living were not mine to live and thus were doomed to fail."

"One of the most painful discoveries I made in the midst of the dark woods of depression was that a part of me wanted to stay depressed. As long as I clung to this living death, life became easier; little was expected of me, certainly not serving others.
I missed the deep meaning of a biblical teaching that I had always regarded as a no-brainer: "I set before you life or death, blessing or curse. Therefore, choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19) Why, I wondered, would God waste precious breath on saying something so obvious? I had failed to understand the perverse comfort we sometimes get from choosing death in life, exempting ourselves of challenge of using our gifts, of living out lives in authentic relationship with others."

A quote on what Love is; Poet Rainer Maria Rilke says,

"love...consists in this, that two solitudes
protect and border and salute each other."

Another great read that my sister brought to my attention last week, I'd like to share here with you now. It is a transcript of a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace
(the writer was found dead in his home last week, an apparent suicide at the age of 46. Many of
the articles about him this week mention this speech. After reading it, I thought it was essentially a speech about depression and well worth reading for sufferers and non-sufferers alike.)

How do we get clean again?

The God of wine is crouched down in my room
you let me down. i said it
now I'm going down and you're not even around
I know
I can't keep it all together
Can we get clean again?
The sadness i can't erase
All the love on your face
the alcohol it permeates

---------------------
I'm hangin' on your words like I always used to do.

--------------------
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to feel alive

----------------------
There's a demon inside my brain that starts to overwhelm
I feel this narcolepsy slide
into another nightmare
I try to swim beneath
Try to keep awake

Comedy in God Talk

I quote the Danish Philosopher and Theologian, Soren Kierkegaard today.

"There is an element of comedy in all talk of God, which we who have received a measure of grace should be quick to confess."

And to paraphrase what Gerald McDermott says in addition to Kierkegaard (in his book, that I am reading for class: Can Evangelicals Learn from World Religions?)
It is pretty outrageous that when we as humans consider our insignificance and smallness in the whole scheme of things, for us to declare monumental truths about God, when he is so much bigger than all our minds combined.

What a week! Classes have definitely kept me thinking, which is rather an understatement at this point. I have a sneaky-feeling that my blog posts from now on are going to turn into my de-briefing of class material. I hope some of you find it interesting and sparks some commentary:)

Now let my weekend begin! with dinner and a movie, a good boyfriend and best friend coming to visit!!! hoooray!

No Wonderwoman here

This post was inspired by a wonderful lady! Just in small talk, i was reminded of an introductory song at the beginning of a tv show, ya know? And that show was SCRUBS! if there are any fellow fans out there woohoo! if not-you must try watching an episode and tell me it didn't make you crack up. Anywho, back to the lyrics i wanted to share because they are especially poignant after my last post.

"I can't do this all on my own.
I'm no Superman"

So yeah, I am asking for your help. And I am ok with that. My roommate and i even made a pact tonight to make/force each other to be more confident this year:) a step in the right direction i hope.

Beware: Word Vomit

Let me try to recall all the different thoughts I had on my ride home today. First, I wonder to myself if I am just biding my time, with getting an education, before I become a mother and wife and that becomes my job and priority? I want to talk to my Anthropology Professor (female) about this more and others, thoughts? I know I have learned so much and the importance of learning outside of education and so this statement seems utterly backwards and just unbelievable it is coming from ME, but sadly it is none-the-less. I also think if I do not start to really truly believe in myself and my capability to give, contribute, work, function, enhance those around me then I will never make an interesting life that I idealize for myself i.e. live in a cool place, teach at a college, or counsel at my own practice, ride my bike everywhere, read, write, publish, travel and never get unhealthy, oh and duh, raise my very own family. I honestly have thought to myself of the scenario or possibility that I really truly do NOT have what it takes to be a Professor or Counselor or Writer and so this is all just a waste of time and shouldn’t I have figured this out long ago? I have been reading so much of theology and philosophy as of late for my classes and am full of all kinds of theories, oh what to believe? I scare myself at how easily I come to not quite believe but see the light and truth in some of Freud’s work about religion and God. Frightening, how easy it is for me to believe that we (as a human race) just made it all up, conjured it up in our heads, wish for it to be this way and then actualize it. I've thought this plenty of times before but never verbalized or wrote it out but reading someone else express it that same way--is kind of what happened when i read Freud today. Of course I see order to the universe and so forth and think there must be a reason and something behind it all, but I will never have the slightest idea; all I have are generations of what others have found to be true. People are capable of quite a lot and that includes their imaginations and creativity. So couldn’t that include our ability to create a God for ourselves? yikes!
I long to be a student that the professor seeks out to answer a question in class, knowing or at least in high hopes and confidence that I will have the correct answer OR a new perspective or viewpoint to add to the mix. Will I never be that student? Why do I want that so badly? I try and be the invisible one a lot of times and find it hard to interact with fellow students too on just talking about the actual subject matter of the class. I wish again, I could do better at that too! As I took the exit off route 83 to my home in Harrisburg I thought to myself how I am growing up and on my own more but really I chose this by default of where I am at school and that If I had the choice I would have no idea where I’d go, but still I just feel ill-placed here or something.? It Doesn’t make sense.

I thought of seeing my counselor today. I definitely want to talk about my INDECISIVENESS in therapy now; I just want to get better at dealing with it and being ok with decisions I make and not dwelling and making them super dramatic and blowing out of proportion. Speaking of dramatic too, I realize that I really don’t let myself be heard fully with people. Even when I desire to tell more there is something in me that holds me back. I think a lot of times it’s embarrassment and thinking that what I’m about to share is not significant or important enough, that it is just a silly, petty problem that Kori can figure out on her own.

Smiling

So all I have to do (I just figured it out) is to look at pictures of my adorable niece Josie before I sit down to tackle some homework! The innocence and joy of life is written all over her and my sisters and brother-in-law, animals, any one that comes in contact with this child!!
Bad thing is they live across the country. Good thing is I get to fly there in a month:)

Check out my sister's first daughter, Josephine Elaine here. She keeps it well updated, thanks holly i love you!

Rebellion or Disengagement?

As I begin to write my essay on The Promise by Chaim Potok, I want to share this quote from the book. I feel it describes so well the place I am at currently with my Faith, Religion, "Christian Walk" whatever you want to call it.

"The Orthodoxy in which Abraham Gordon had been raised by his parents in Chicago became a riotous mockery to him about one year before he entered the university. He never really rebelled against his religion. He simply stopped taking it seriously. Rebellion, said Abraham Gordon, is a conscious act of the will directed by persuasion. Turning one's back upon ideas or institutions is therefore not an act of rebellion but an act of disengagement. The old is considered dead.
All Through college he considered the old dead. And yet strangely enough, he found it impossible to abandon the rituals of the tradition. The entire theological structure upon which those rituals were based had disintegrated into a joke: creation in six days, the revelation, miracles, a personal God-all of it. But the rituals-particularly prayer, kashruth, the Shabbat, and the festivals-had intrinsic value for him."

more thoughts later...when i can afford the time to write for pleasure;) Anyone reading this have thoughts on this?

transitions stink, pee yoo!

As I sit here on my big wrap around couch and try to finish The Promise by Chaim Potok so I can write my essay on it for next week; I come to a new chapter section and the quote underneath, introducing the next book reads, "All beginnings are difficult"-the Midrash. This was a comfort to me and a needed bit of (indiscreet) advice. Earlier today I was sitting on my floor chanting inner peace as a meditation exercise. About 90% of the time though, I was thinking of how much I am not at peace and that am thinking about everything EXCEPT these words I am supposed to be saying right now! I am full of anxiety, doubts, fears as i begin a semester of college yet again. But I will try try try to remember that all beginnings are difficult and to give myself some grace to fall back on when I just want to curl up and cry. I am determined to give it the good fight! I am resolved now, thank you for inner peace.

Writing

So I have been away for quite some time. Not exactly sure why but i think it has to do with working alot this summer, not feeling too inspired to write on much and most recently moving into my new home in Harrisburg and beginning classes this fall.

So I am back none the less and after only two "syllabus/orientation" days of class I am already full of inspiration, juices are flowing and ideas are just around the corner (i hope.) Because number one, my professors are amazing! number two I will be doing ALOT of writing this semester and number three all of my classes rock and are in my major.
Theology of Religions
Religions of China and Japan
Old Testament Literature
History of Christianity
Biblical and Religious Studies Major Senior Seminar

I am full of different emotions at this point in the semester. As I have told many of you, I am definitely feeling this transition time in my life-entering my fifth year of College, living in a community where we share basically everything;most importantly FOOD! as well as, commuting to school so it feels more like a job and when i'm on campus its all business and homework and when i'm home its all social/relationship building and cooking/cleaning. And I also plan to join the swim team at Messiah, which is in its first year! exciting stuff but hard stuff, especially the whole getting into shape to compete again (haven't swam in a meet since senior year of high school 2004) and two two-a-days! waking up at 5 30 AM!? I don't know about it, but i'm giving it a royal effort because I want to feel good about myself and I know from the past, athletics has definitely done that for me and exercising regularly is so good for anyone.

Changing topics and back to school-I'd just like to share a little advice I received from a Professor, speaking to the whole class; he told us that the key to writing is NOT creativity and artsy, impressive language and so on, but the key is- One, knowing what you want to say and Two, writing it clearly and succinctly. And what made the most impression on me was the first priority for a writer, and that being, to know what you want to say. I find now, that that has been my biggest problem area and accounts for (I think) why my writing has not been completely finished and/or clear enough to the reader, for their full understanding of my meaning. Just like that sentence, even now I am re-reading and changing things around and still it seems jumbled and confusing and a run-on. haha, prime example.
So I am looking forward to really working on this and believe me, I will not have any problem with lack of assignments for practicing, because I am taking a writing intensive class. It is so encouraging to hear my professors say that a large goal/priority for them this semester in each particular course, is to make us better writers, thinkers and to really polish our skills in theological writing!

There is one professor whom I had prior to this year, that i have again, who is just one of those people you want to record and listen to their brilliant words over and over. He told us today that we will need to learn how to "economize our use of the English language" in writing our briefs and book reviews which have a strict word count limit.

I will sign off with a promise to you and myself to keep writing, even when I don't think it is good enough. I may post some of my book reviews and other essays if they are pertinent and I think some of you would find them intriguing and engaging enough. Remember that I look forward to your responses:)

life

lyrics by Regina Spektor:

So this is how it works, you're young until you're not. You love until you're done. You try until you can't. You laugh until you cry, cry until you laugh. And Everyone must breath until their dying breath. No, this is how it works. You peer inside yourself. You take the things you like and try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made and stick it into some. Someone else's heart, pumpin' someone else's blood and walk arm and arm. You hope it don't get hard but even if it does, you just do it all again.

I couldn't attempt to say it any better.

Summer Time

Hey blog readers--if you know me and would like to view some pictures, I have updated my Picasa Web Album so feel free.
Go here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/sweetpkobes

Poetry

untitled 1
written during a church service

Good, Bad
Black, White
Tried to send the Light the best they knew
Shouldn't we ask for more?
Relief, Development
servant, Master
Male, Female
Poor, Rich
Joy, Mourning
Staring Faces
Prim & Proper
eyeing up and down
no visible love
judging appearances
no visible love
deep down curiosity
coveting
Pridefully boasting of the way this place is a loving, witnessing community
Christ brought back the focus on Peace and Love of God and neighbor
You need to do business with God
Pay attention to the signs

untitled 2

Creative Expression
no understanding
She convicts her audience
with nothing less than average

What is common place?
Where is Never land?
As we grow older do we become wiser?

Innocence can never be retrieved

Oh but to find life again
after such darkness and seemingly hopeless despair
That is something to boast in

Find the joy in life
Find who you've given the joy of life to

Lists that never end

Doors, walls, ceilings, locks, windows, curtains, head phones, cell phones, TV sets, flashing lights, and sirens.
Boundaries, gates, fences, compartments
There is a place for every activity
What is privacy?
Is this a human, god-given right?
Do we earn anything we are given?
Together we march, walk, run, fly, sing, chant, eat, consume, sell, buy, work, create, and watch the world
Alone we sleep and dream, cry, make a fool of our self, meditate, apply make-up, indulge our temptations, read the paper, write to ourselves, make decisions, and vote.
A soul finds its worth
The weary earth rejoices

Health and Balance

At this moment, I am in my room on my bed, listening to the storm outside and the very loud rain falling on our roof. I have wanted to post for a while now and finally am glad for this moment of opportunity.

There has been a mixture of things on my mind. I feel like we live surrounded by opposites and extremes and so it makes sense for me to be thinking about so much and then other times hardly anything at all but the task at hand. There is this theme I find running through my life's monologue I keep. This theme I really have never been able to explain very well or articulate to other people for I suppose many reasons but I just want to attempt it here, now and hope for reactions.

So many times i find that in life balance is the answer to everything. Again it's this pull of both extremes and I'm not just talking about good vs. evil. You know when you always get that bit of two sense from a friend or family member that goes something to the effect of, "well you kind of just have to find that happy medium"? Well I'd pay more attention to that than you'd think.

And also I'm not talking about living a typical, boring, uneventful, impassioned or devoid of fervor and zeal of a life to stay balanced--quite the opposite, I believe every single person will have a different time of measuring and finding their balance and it will be completely YOU and no one else. I do wonder also when I begin writing this thought process out if I don't sound completely a result of my new-agey, relativistic generation? I would like to think NOT but then i turn around at the moment I say that and ask myself in response, "Self, or Kori, what is wrong with being a direct result of your generation's values and beliefs?" And I can't answer for much other than, maybe, that small inner circle of conservative and narrow-minded Christian community I was willingly raised under would say in disguised judgement that I am too liberal minded and wishy washy and don't have a convincing enough foundation for these beliefs.

Oh but I know now I have come such a way from that, from them, from what I grew up accepting with full faith and no disregard. However, not to my regret, but simply for later on realizing the multitude of OTHER beliefs that exist in our world today as well as in history, even within a single culture, religion, era, species, geographical location, etc. This is what has completely changed me or maybe I should say opened or freed me. I also want to express here that this is me and how I have been all along but much of me was forced to be left out and put on the shelf; put on hold at the time i took my Christian faith into personal ownership. After studying at college and especially my education in the field of Anthropology this other side of me that was shut out for years has finally been freed and let loose to explore all her questions, interests, desires, curiosities, fears, and hopes! And god does it feel amazing.

And So I realize now that I feel a writers block coming and nothing coherent enough to continue with, that i never really got to the actual subject of this post, i.e. BALANCE = living a healthy life. But that is ok for now. I'll be back with much more and look forward to it!

peace out:)

Adrian Wilson

My friend from College is dead. is no longer alive on this earth he gave to and loved so much. My friend has left prematurely and all of us scratch our heads, bang our fists, cry our eyes out to figure why! Today at work when i drove home I thought of a song by Howie Day that I wanted to listen to; knowing it would have completely NEW meaning to it, considering Adrian. This is the chorus:

"It's the perfect time of day.
It's the last day of your life.
Don't let it slip away, while your heart is still racing.
It's the perfect time of day.
And you won't feel a thing.
And you won't recall, anything at all"

I have mixed feelings about these lyrics but it draws an interesting twist on how we view end of life, death, and remembering. Normally the last day of our life we don't view as "perfect" in any way shape or form, especially when it is not planned or expected! Why did the artist choose that word to describe the final day, the final breaths, gasping in agony and frustration (Adrian drowned off the coast of Spain while on a farming/service trip.) I have constant flash back memories coming into my brain to remember my dear friend-what else can one do? Maybe it is described as perfect because the artist believes, simultaneously life begins again in a new way. All i know is that life is precious and I miss and mourn a dear friend.

the C word

I don't know what it feels like to be told, "I'm sorry but you have cancer" so I am not attempting to describe how I feel but simply to put it out there for anyone who is reading this; to please remember those affected by this awful word and awful disease for that matter.

I recently heard from my two friends of their mother's getting breast cancer.

Please take this time to be silent, meditate, pray, reflect on these two women and for their families and loved ones.

Thank you.

Turning a new Page

What a beautiful event I have just returned from! Two good friends just got married this morning at my home church and I couldn't help but smile at what I saw and tear up at what I heard. It was a long engagement for this couple and part of it was spend apart with him oversees serving our country and so this day was such a joyful one for them and all their connections. My favorite part of weddings (now that I've been to quite a few, with older siblings and cousins during my younger years and my very own friends these days) is watching the groom as the bride walks down.

The pastor, a former youth pastor for us back in high school, married them and I won't forget his message. Well there were a few but especially this; he said that both people came together in this marriage already complete and whole people and they knew who they were in God. So that now, their love could be so real and true and genuine because neither of them will need to find something in one another but their relationship is a wonderful gift from God for their betterment. I find it to be so true that when people are content and love themselves they can bring much more to another person and that relationship because they aren't looking selfishly for more or are in need of certain things to help their self-esteem. This is not to say however that their love is less intense, passionate or exciting and the pastor also reminded them of this as well; that even with their Earnest personalities they must remember to love with "reckless abandonment" and to not buy into the saying that love grows dimmer as the couple ages in marriage. He claimed quite the opposite actually.

I recently was reading a sermon on a similar idea of love. He (the minister) poses the question of how should love be dispensed? should it be frugally, cautiously, wisely, or sparingly? No, true love is wasteful and impractical. He made the correlation of this with the story (Mark 14) of Mary pouring the entire bottle of perfume on Jesus' feet. The other disciples and people he was eating with didn't understand her at all and immediately began criticizing her before Jesus and then Jesus tells them this, "Leave her alone. Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor will always be with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me. She did what she could. She poured perfume on my body before to prepare for my burial. I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

I found myself thinking anthropologically as I sat there witnessing this marriage service take place. I was becoming overwhelmed with thankfulness for the culture I am apart of and the customs and traditions we uphold; like this occasion of marriage for example. I think it is such a blessing we have to make marriage such a public and formal event to not only give the couple attention and honor but also for the betterment of the community itself-to remind those who are in attendance of the important things in life to uphold and respect and be in awe of. I thought how this service is an example of my American culture (as well as many others in their varying styles and customs) and in turn demonstrates some of my culture's values and traditions.

Interestingly too in a conversation with someone afterwards, this idea of comparing our culture with others came up. She was merely saying how she has been able to become content and happy "living at home still" as an adult. And what helped her get to this point she told me was the realization from study of other parts of the world that she would be looked at as quite the norm everywhere else, where people live with their families for years and years. She said it is only in this country or culture that you have people looking at you like you're weird when you end up living close to your own kin. I was happy for her and to see another example of how thinking anthropologically is so healthy!

As my post title says...turning a new page...this is kind of the second part. First it was my friends' marriage as a page being turned in their life and now I will share what page my life has turned from and where I see it heading.

This is the beginning of an entry on April 22, 2008.

"I can do it. I do have control over my life. I will go to class. I will go to work. I will "fake it to make it" ... I will accept the consequences of my previous behavior and choices made when depressed... I will be careful not to have higher expectations than is reasonable and appropriate. I do have ability to turn my attitude away from the comforting darkness.
I am strong. I will get better."

I'm still looking back at this last year and semester, smiling, as it was so much of a fight for survival which turned into so much more! I wanted to share for a change one of the positive/uplifting voices I have and hope it can reveal an honest face-value look at someone (quite ordinary and much like others out there) treating and getting better from depression and anxiety or any other mental disorder or illness.

I've been feeling what it is like to live a stable, functioning, life for months on end now and it has been incredible and very rewarding and fulfilling. So far this summer I have intensely job searched, gone on a roadtrip with my boyfriend and friends to Acadia NP in Maine for a week, Job searched some more, visited my boyfriend at his home before he left for a cross-the-country roadtrip, job searched a more...and now (finally) work through a temp agency and do clerical and filing work and also give swim lessons on the side. Working about 40 hours a week keeping me busy but still enough time for checking out 11 books at the library.

I love Summer Life. I really think i'm built for it. Work is good and mindless so i'm not stressed, then evenings spent curled up on a couch reading a good book or watching a movie with a friend (namely my other half, Kate Laramie).

The most exciting thing recently has been my sister and her daughter "Josie" the walking, getting into everything toddler visiting these next two weeks!

The second most exciting this is my plan to order a hammock stand so i can set up my belize hammock in our yard and lounge there all the time!!!

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"

So, this summer I am living back at Home, with my niece, older brother and parents. It is a very interesting time in my life and I am gaining a very new perspective through this added family member living with us; Caitie, my 7 year old niece and my shadow, mind you.

I have been able to sit back and watch this child be raised by her grandparents, my parents; Nana and Pop-Pop. And this is the first time I have ever had someone younger than me since I am the baby of the family so it's quite interesting/scary/amusing/comforting. Let me explain.

When I was growing up, my sister next in age to me was my model and inspiration and basically our arguments and quibbles revolved around that truth. But, sometimes this kind of awe-like flattery can come across a little too over-the-top and annoying when you are the model. Why does she have to do everything I do? When will she just get her own life and think for herself? Why can't she just leave me a lone for a minute!? Honestly, can't she find her own creativity? And when I was the little copy-cat, shadowy image of my older sister Holly, these types of questions made little to no sense and seemed insignificant to me as a kid.

Nowadays, however I am finding myself to be the model and recipient of said copying and following from Caitie. I sometimes want to laugh at it because I see myself in her but then I see myself in Holly too and want to hide "so i can just get some peace and quiet alone". It's the age-old turning of the wheels, entering a new phase in life and seeing how the tables always do turn on you and you're forced to see yourself and your relationships through a different lens. Life is funny that way.

And so I want to draw attention to a wonderful memorable tv/book series called Anne of Green Gables because in the second installment there is a wonderful line spoken by Anne to some young admirer of hers. She says, in response to one of her girl students who claims she will wear her hair JUSt like that when she turns 18 that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery". I was reminded of this the other week when I made my lunch and brought out a book to read on the deck of our house, with a bathing suit on and I find Caitie ready across the table from me with a bathing suit, visor and glasses with a stack of her "Junie B" books to read;)

This is a fundamental human way of learning and living: via imitation, doing, acting through following example. Theology/Religion relating to above--> Jesus makes sense in this train of thought because he is the Divine's ultimate example of perfection and holiness and everything we should strive after. This is all to please God but not only that; the scriptures also say it is for our own happiness and well-being; so that "it may go well with you and your off-spring." I think it so helpful and honestly a priviledge that we have recordings of Jesus so we can be his copy-cat to follow and learn and also we have many other wonderful Jesus-like figures in all different time periods, parts of the world, social classes, races, males and females. Yet i think just about EVERYONE can agree that Jesus' way of life is worthy of exemplifying.
can I get an amen?

If you read this blog, feel free to comment on this post with names of Jesus-like figures you live after.

Kindred Spirits

My Roommates are so much apart of me, I just had to dedicate a blog post to them! Since I have been home for a whole week since Graduation and a road trip to Maine's Acadia NP, I have had some quiet time to reflect and admire the past year and memories made. I think the reason I love my friends so much is because of how different we all are from eachother. Here is a quick synopsis of my four roommates this past school year from 2007-2008.

Elizabeth Monachello the ringleader, event coordinator, high spirited, highly motivated, beautiful personality as well as physique; a runner at heart, pusher, over-achiever, obsessor of cook books and peanutbutter and all things Italian. Liz has the utmost ability to do whatever she puts her mind to and she will see it through; she is loyal and faithful and radiant!

Emily Powell the crazy, fun-filled, creative voice of the group; shopaholic for vintage, deals and wegmans' goodies at the end of a work day; master mac'ncheese and popcorn connoisseur and omelate maker; encourager, uplifter and seeker. She has a knack for compromise and communicating while also listening to other's viewpoints. She is so very other-oriented and self-less while always considering other people's strengths, talents, and struggles. And she is going to be Mark's wife in less than a month!!!! Oh and she makes THE best Baklava.

Laurabeth Weaner is a puzzle piece still being put together and she doesn't hide much but wears her emotions, ideals, opinions on her sleeve; A perfectionist cleaner, cook/baker, and student; She knows what she loves and that is competetive running, being outdoors, ice-cream, food in general, Meat, FREE food!! swing dancin', Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Farm boys, being absolutely ridiculous and laughing and probably first and foremost her Lord, Savior and God. She is like a memorable character in a book or movie:)

Gretchen Peck is the most loveable lady who commands respect and understanding from her listeners with her quiet, humble intellect and curiousities. She can do no wrong, this blonde beauty who loves good old Lottie Nelson (our school's dining hall) and was loyal to it even her last semester as a Senior. She is questioning but at the same time solid and grounded in who she is and how she sees the world. Our green thumb, country girl who is the best at being laid back, reading maps, crocheting, making gifts for people, knitting, sledding, jumping off cliffs, doing anything and daring others to join her in challenges;) one of our favorite phrases= "There are no wrong turns, only new adventures"

We all share a love for ice-cream, dancing, being crazy and wacko and making and consuming good FOOOOD!

A New Hope (not the first installment of Star Wars:)

The other day when I got off the phone with my new Muslim friend, I just couldn't help but be full of contentment, a sense of enlightenment, and joy. My roommate could obviously see it on my face and I told her, "Now I just need to find a job that lets me do that [speak to people of different religious and cultural experiences and backgrounds]" and I simply smiled at the ridiculousness of what I just requested. But then my roommate who had been listening commented, "Yeah! You should do that, whatever that is"...I guess I'll just have to see.

The theme of this year for me is getting out of survival mode, and I have dubbed 2008 as "living the imperfect life" and this morning I was able to check one more thing off my to do list for the end of this semester! Man does it feel good, to complete an assignment on time; maybe not my absolute best but that is not what I'm going for anymore...it's about surviving, making it through to the finish line. For too long in my college career have I not let this be my standard and priority. It has unfortunately caused much upset, pain and disappointment on my end. I never could measure up so then I started giving up in so many senses and honestly had forgotten the feeling; pleasure of handing in or presenting on something I worked on to the best of my capabilities and being done with it.

Fortunately though I feel a change coming on me and I welcome it with open arms! Partly it is due to other people but it also took on my part, willingness and humility to step down from my pedestal to welcome their help, encouragement and support which created a
renewed hope.

Thank you

Missing You

I love to listen to this song over and over...there's just something about it that brings me back to high school days but then also brings me to issues of lost family and friends from addictions, and other issues usually spawned from an outsider; force or influence.

If you don't know this one, definitely listen to it, not just read the lyrics:)
Song title: Wounded
Band: Third Eye Blind

"The guy who put his hands on you,
has got nothing to do with me.
And the bruises that you feel will heal
and I hope you come around,
cause we're missing you.

You used to speak so easy,
now you're afraid to talk to me.
Its like walking with the wounded.
Carrying that weight way too far,
the concrete pulled you down so hard
out there with the wounded,
We're missing you.

Well I never claimed to understand what happens after dark
but my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of touching you,
When you're wounded
......

Lemme break it down till I force the issue
You never come around and you know we miss you
Well nobody took your pride away
I said, "thats something people say"
Back down the bully to the back of the bus,
cause its time for them to be scared of us
till you're yelling how we're living cause you got the ball
and then you rock on, baby, rock on, you rock on. on and on.

My Theology in Progress

Christ was able to say "forgive them for they know not what they do" I think because he had some other greater, superior knowledge to enable him to say this. I cannot accept Christ's gruesome and violently blood thirsty death to have been "necessary" for God's forgiveness and reconciliation. Maybe this is due to my lack of greater, superior, outsider knowledge that Christ possessed? Or I am thinking of this in a comparative way, in which I equate Jesus' violent, horrific death to any War, that in principle it should never be "necessary" and always, absolutely the last resort to conflict, power-struggle, oppression, etc...? I am also not sure I would have these thoughts and such a difficulty of acceptance I had so easily in the past. But after taking a biblical topics class on divine violence, I have asked the question why Jesus' death had to be necessary and the only plan God had in mind to enable a second chance for humanity? Can there be violence in Love? Is love able to exist alone in absence of the rest of the hurt, pain, evil, perverted, violence to counterbalance it and define it even more? Because I can definitely see the argument for love not able to exist in its most extreme and powerful form without an extreme opposite to help, but still when it comes to the divine and celestial beings and the spiritual world, why can't violence be left alone?

Lyrics = Best kinds of Poetry

• On my own...

• Am i part of the cure or am i part of the disease?
• Tell me why, why you've got your secret locked inside?
• Confusion never stops
• We live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do.
  
• Stars in your multitude, scarce to be counted, filling the darkness with order and light
• When you live on a city on a hill, You've got to shine your light
  
• Another day, another destiny, this never ending road to calvary
• You broke the thorns and unleashed the chains, carried the cross of my shame, of my shame, You know i believe it.
  
• But I still haven't found what i'm looking for
• It's alright, cuz there's beauty in the breakdown
  

• Life is short but sweet for certain
• For goodness sake I think i'm on the edge of something new with you, you make me sick
• Killing me softly with his song
• And i know its only in my mind...

(works cited: Les Miserables, Coldplay, Rebecca St. James, Frou Frou, Jennifer Knapp, U2, Maroon 5, Dave Matthews Band, Charles Fox & Norma Gimbel)

Everything seems worse in my head...

This is something I just wrote real quickly a few months ago. Interestingly it still rings true now.

Frustration
Paralyzed
Stuck
Unlearning
Stepping backwards
Never far enough away
One thing at a time...
I tell myself
Can i do this?
was i cut out for academia?
I want tears
I want scars
tell my story
so afraid of failing
I set out on that path anyway
I am my biggest judge, critic, determiner
If i could move, I'd be a bird
fly away, to see the smallness of it all
I'd fly to a safe haven and stay until the storm was over
i'm falling fast
Where do i belong?
can i have answers instead of questions?
"I'm a king on my knees" -borrowed from Jennifer Knapp

"Rapunzel" lyrics by DMB

can't stop playin this one!!
" Ha, open wide, All so good I'll eat you, Take me for a ride, In your sweet delicious,
Perfect little mouth, There upon I linger, You will have no doubt, I'll do my best for you I'll do
Love...
Lets stop to get it going, Lost myself just thinking, bout the two of us, From each other drinking
Begin with the lips, Fingertips and kissing, Turn me inside out, I do my best for you
Up and down we go, from the top you push me, This is such a thrill, Lost in love and dancing
Shake your tambourine, You blow my head open, Of one thing for sure I do my best for you I'll do.
For you I would crawl, through the darkest dungeon climb the castle wall If you're my Rapunzel
You let down your hair right through the window. Good they locked the door cuz I'll do my best
for you I'll do. I think the world of you, to you i'll be true, From you my strength is full,
to carry your burdens too, too good to be real.
Smell of something cooking, You my soul to steal, Food of love were filling. What you've given me
For it is there is no measure.
Of one thing i am sure, I'll give my best for you
Hip lock up so tight, you know drive me crazy, crazy is alright with you lookin at me
You make me feel high, every single thing you do to me is like i'm drunk, given me given me The shiver "

lyrics speak to me

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart if full and my doors always open
You can come anytime you want

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls


Happy Birthday Michael Frederick.

Trust in our Suffering

I'm sitting here listening to U2 that is on my "summer road trip" playlist on itunes and wishing i was headed somewhere on the wide open road with great friends with the same passion and desire for adventure. Instead I am bogged down with work, deadlines, exams, to do lists, events, chapels to go to, more plans to make and I'm just sitting here. still. There is something inside me that keeps me sitting. still. Still with the knowledge, mind you, of the latter I just previously mentioned must be completed and yet i sit, stuck, numb, overwhelmed, paralyzed-so-to-speak.

I have been surprised though; twice recently. Once was a couple days ago when Michael was talking about something that he didn't want to do, yet again, even he was aware of his repetition. However unlike most times when I nod my head or in some way show my empathy and understanding of the crappy situation that it is, something else occurred. Unbeknownst to me, I heard myself ask him simply, "what happened to the whole trusting God thing?" He and I were both in a way surprised at what I had suggested and it definitely got us thinking. In all honesty, that part of my faith/spirituality, whatever you want to call it, but that area of my life has really taken a dramatic shift. Maybe it has been a shift to neutral because I do not feel ready or convinced enough to move in any direction; but since that concept of Trust even surfaced then was an important sign for me.

Second surprise came from my New Testament Literature class. We are studying the gospel of Mark right now and since learning who Mark was writing to and the very obvious themes in the book, another word "surprised" me. And that is, suffering. First though let me explain that as I learned Mark was writing to the community of zealot Jews who had just experienced a failure revolt against the Romans at the "Rock of Masada" from 68-70BCE. So this is incredibly important in how Mark portrays Jesus, in a very human, feeling, suffering light because these Jews knew first hand what is was to suffer. I learned that not only were they killed and persecuted unjustly but they also had to be thinking things like, 'Where do we worship now with no Temple?' And 'What does God want us to do, Where is the source of our faith?' Therefore as you can read in Mark (which now reading it with these new insights is pretty enjoyable) the anticipating of his suffering and death as well as his last breath being "Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:33-34) can make much more sense; knowing that his (Mark) listeners would completely relate and understand Jesus' agony and suffering portrayed. So anyway, just hearing about suffering again and the focus Mark deliberately took to have his readers see that our God, even the Christ; the Messiah was pre-ordained some may say, planned or was meant to suffer during his short life was another new sign for me.

Why is this a surprise to me? I think because I have been rather absorbed in my own hardships and daily difficulties that I lost sight of this truth that we have. The truth that you WILL suffer, but it is what you do with it, how you live despite it and through it that comes to hold more meaning and weight. There is no sense comparing one another's hardships because each person is completely and incomparably unique and justified to feel the way they feel. In the same thought we should still tell our stories and be real with one another. And being in the comfortable American middle class culture contributes to the forgetfulness that happens-when i forget that there is suffering everywhere! And so i'm going to try and not be so startled or surprised when I experience my own suffering (as if it is something so unique to just little old me) but remember the rest of the world right there too, trying to make it from day to day.

My heart

poem by, Kori

I've searched the World
knowing my needs
wishing i had the strength to hold on to them tightly
instead i stare
stare into the void
a void of a world that cannot hold

only along with one another
standing or kneeling
but not alone
side by side
shoulder to shoulder

This is the answer
This can hold the world
Love one another
Thy greatest commandment
Love one another
There is nothing I know more powerful

I suppose that in some small way
this is me reaching for my needs
like a kid during recess
holding on tight to each monkey bar
this is me
girl with worth, offering herself to the world
please, give me a "call back" won't you?
I Need to hear from You.

What's your love language?

After coming off of one of the roughest weeks (psychologically) of my life, I would like to start things off on a uplifting and instrumental note, to reflect for a moment on What my love language is? This may sound random and quirky to some, but indulge me; for I think, if belief in providence be true; that this whole "love language" thing has been persistently coming up in my daily life through different people (you know who you are) for a good reason.

After knowing your love language you can ask and answer this question--What have i most often requested from significant others? I think for me personally, Number 1: requesting something of people is not what i do best. I think this is because something inside me has me convinced that that shows weakness and is too painful and uncomfortable. Number 2: I do better asking anonymous or professional "people" when I absolutely need something, (i.e. My psychiatrist, a small group, the Alanon group, my counselor, a distant acquaintance or old friend i've been out of touch with, my stuffed animal pig Gilbert or even Mr. Frumples) Number 3: After taking this quiz, I realized my number 1 and 2 need to take a little turn towards my significant others (namely: friends, family and those I work for and respect) because my primary love language is "Quality Time" and my next two (just so happens-it was a tie) "Words of Affirmation" and "Physical Touch" are my secondary love languages. This is a fun exercise to see how well you know yourself and your needs as a human being. And please don't kid yourself like I have--You DO have needs, and that is simply part of what makes us who we are as individual people.

lyrical thoughts...

These Bethany Dillon lyrics have been running through my head all day. Perhaps because what my life is like at this moment seems so far from what i want it to be, so naturally i wish to be someone else, someone other than me. Why is this so natural though? As soon as something goes wrong or unplanned, the grass is always greener, right? Well, why can't we embrace the yucky moments, the unproductive hours, the late nights up alone, the allowance of one's body, especially the mind, to wander aimlessly for a moment with no purpose or goal other than mere curiousity and interest? One thing I have learned is that life is definitely, atleast part of it anyway, is out of our hands. Knowing this I want to strive to embrace every moment, good or bad; perfectly planned or awfully unprepared, with the wind at my back or the rain in my path (or snow covering my car). I desire to live each moment the best I can and not look back or look at others reactions.

I think evidence for my spiritual growth is when I find myself more willing to ask other people to keep praying for something.

Lyrics running through me all day long

"Sometimes i wish i was someone other than me...

trying to find whatever is missing

Won't you help me back, to Glory?"

Bethany Dillon

She moves in mysterious ways

I chose Depression today.
Why did I invite her in to my bedroom this morning? Why are some days harder than others? Why do i hear her so clearly some days and so faintly other days? What is a day even worth? How much effort we put into making it a productive and successful 16hours? My day today has been worthless then in this regard. Back to my choice this morning; I invited her in reluctantly and slowly, letting her take down each of my defenses i had set up in my mind. Then inevitably she became the easy out and the more comfortable alternative, so i picked her. For those next few hours spent in deep sleep (seemingly peaceful) I am unaware what she was doing during that time. Could she have been manipulating me further while I was unaware of it? Or was I already aware of this because it has happened too many times to count? When i awaken though, she begins to converse with me; bombarding me with ill qualified advice, remarks and comparisons. "Kori, you are scaring yourself with how far behind in your work you are getting" "look at you, how will you amount to anything in life with such lack of motivation and confidence?" "Kori, come here, stay, i'm here for you, I can understand what you must be feeling...although no one else can"
I chose to be friends with depression today; but what kind of a friend is this?

wondering in class

The other day in my New Testament Literature class we were learning about the different paradigms to make sense of Jesus. (New Testament Story: An Introduction, by David L. Barr. 3rd edition. Wadsworth, 2002.)
*my favorite was Wisdom
"Wisdom existed independently and eternally...Jesus became Wisdom, a revelation of the divine"
...but then i got on a rampage/tangent in my mind and wrote this down:
Does it really matter if we get the exact theology right? That Christ is God and God has three parts, the Trinity, yata yata, yata. When I picture us (humanity) before God; I do not see this rule book of boxes to check off and lists but of simply recognition of the Divine, of Wisdom, of Goodness and Evil, of SOMETHING greater, that further outweighs anything and everything.

Weekly Goals of a College Student

Stay on top of school work
No sleeping past 9 am
Swim/Lift 3x
Eat good meals and stay hydrated!
Make all my meetings and classes and other engagements (and be 10 min early to them)
Reward myself with light reading, currently that is "Pigs in Heaven" by Barbara Kingsolver
or with a fix of the movie, i heart huckabees
Talk to a friend I haven't spoken to in a while
Be prayerfully minded
Ask others to be - Pray for Mom Shelden who is currently in the hospital undergoing tests
Enjoy V Day with Freddy

Don't try and fix/plan my whole life in a day/week- One step at a time...

And: Just for kicks, I'd like to share some of my own, "6 word memoirs"

(idea taken from a post I found on my Professor's blog)


Continual Pursuit of Balance and Stability
Little Sister, Big Aunt, New Girlfriend
My Mother's 40th Birthday Present/Surprise
Suffering Accepted in Faith will Redeem
Do Justly, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly

Now--> YOU post/comment some of your own 6 word memoirs, its rather fun!

Repetitive Wisdom

Due to the many hardships/struggles/life events I myself have endured (which i do not in anyway compare or contrast to any other's, but simply recognize them) I take such comfort from these simple and profound words of direction from Mother Theresa,

"66 years of God's darkness...It's not enough to say you love God, you have to love the poor, your neighbor"

It is the beautiful struggle of necessary storm.

I feel as though this is a lesson I need to learn and re-learn every season of life...

Unlimited, my future is unlimited

A thought to myself: "Something happened in you tonight"

"Something has changed within me...something is not the same"-Wicked (the Broadway Musical)

And I decided I will be a beautiful and famously sought after, belting Broadway singer/actress, along with my friend Laura!! (in my second life that is:)
It was after tonight, when I was reunited with this friend; it brought me right back to my study abroad semester two years ago in Belize...when, this friend and I would belt these songs to each other constantly, laughing and having a ball doing it.
I find it hilarious and amazing that friendships of such a kind can so easily be jolted back into vibrant "song" and it's like flashbacks the entire time! I also was reunited with two other friends I saw in the union today by surprise (they were just in Zambia for the month) and I about toppled them over with hugs! These girls had gone to Belize with me too. I really do think experiences shared like that really bring you to a special level of understanding and genuine interest and care for the other people you spend it with, and right now I am thankful for such a thing.

Recently, I have had a number of people tell me how envious they are of me- because I still have a year yet to finish my undergrad and they are approaching the end quickly with this spring being the last semester in college. I have some thoughts on this.

I agree with them in that I am pretty darn glad I have another year to mole over things some more and get familiarized with the new subjects of study(Religions and Anthropology) I am in now. However, I also think: if they only knew how different my outlook was 8 months ago when I was trying to put the pieces back together after leaving the career path of Nursing...I said and believed such awful, painful, self-degrading things about myself, like:

[experts from journal entry in April 2007]

"I feel like I have already defeated myself. Why can't I just get over the difficulty of this time and just get my work done so it will all be over and done with. So many people believe in me but I don't believe in me. Music is my only comfort right now. Dance is my outlet. I want to do what I love, not do things I don't feel good about or confident with (a.k.a. nursing school)
I am starting to get used to the sound of that. FAILURE. I feel so behind everyone and everything!"

But now I am whistling such a different tune...but it took time, for healing, forgiveness, understanding and revelations. It really is crazy how in one moment your life seems so unfixable and chronically failing, declining, digressing and the next (grant you, months later) moment you can only see opportunity and potential and relief from escaping something unfit for you.

I'd like to just conclude for the evening-appropriately with another quote from one of my favorite songs from Wicked,

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.
Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and...leap.
Its time to try defying gravity, I think I’ll try defying gravity and you can't pull me down!"

eat, pray, love

Elizabeth Gilbert is an amazing writer! I loved her book (Eat, Pray, Love) and felt so connected to her emotional upheavels- Amazing considering- I am 21 years old, never married, nor divorced, nor a journalist for a magazine, but i still could take so much meaning from this book and her life as she "found herself" in the various countries-Italy, India and Indonesia. Here are a few quotes I wrote down as I read...

"I asked my heart if it could please infuse my soul with a more generous perspective on my mind's workings."

After attempting meditation in India at an Ashram she lived in for four months...
"What i'm alarmed to find in meditiation is that my mind is actually not that interesting a place after all. In actuality I really only think about a few things, and I think about them constantly."

A few more...
"When I get lonely these days, i think so be lonely, Liz. Learn your way around lonliness, make a map of it, Sit with it, for once in your life welcome the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

"And when you feel/sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face first out of the dirt-This is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

"And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person-the magnification of one life-is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody's but my own."

my own poetry dabbling, clearly influenced by this lady:)

More Than Just Girl Power
I won't back down
I am Strong
I do have discipline within me
Allow myself to love myself
I greet the divine in me