"my darling, my pooch, my world"

I wrote this to my best friend on her departure from College and transition to a "real job"

I decided to post this now because I think of her almost every day and miss her presence in my life so very much! Thank GOD for friends, amen?

My dear Gretchen Petchen
From the moment in Lottie Nelson
That fateful year we were Freshman
Something deep within, told me she's a "naughty"

Ya know how i knew it too?
Twas thine fair but crazy blue eyes
They showed me you were "ooo wee"

These are the best days of our lives
And G, for me you fulfilled them
With all that damn spontaneity to "jump&jive"
Never willing to sit still when surrounded by Messiah boys

I won't deny we had our differences
My sarcasm with emotions runninng high
Your fearless opinions and patience for my offences
But for all the endless ringing alarm clocks and unnecessary small mouth references
I hope you'll take a piece of me with you
And I know I will never have the same sense of fashion either!

You were the best friend I could have ever asked for
You always spoke life and strength and confidence into me
I knew our lives would change when Belize we left for
But with no warning did I imagine "the Nab" fitting you to such a tea;)

And this is where our paths do finally split
Roommates for two years I wish I could keep you here for another
But i cannot stop where life takes each of us, I submit
To you, friend who will forever remain in my heart

Goodbye, Farewell, and know "the best is Yet to come"

Simply put = I Love You.

My Natural Default Setting

So i got that ^ phrase from another blogger about a year ago i think:)

I also wrote this poem around the same time, last April, while obviously, as you will see, in the depths of a depression.
Why do i choose to put it up here?
Simply because it says to me, People can change, they can better themselves and move forward through life's shit. I believe we are all drawn to tendencies to feel so utterly hopeless. But not all people choose to make that known to others, or even for that matter, known to themselves. I feel sorry for them now, but when i was depressed i envied them so and wished i could be different.

I think i can answer the questions i ask in this poem today, and that is awesome! thank you, you ALL know who you are.

A Poem, by me

Who am I? Devoid of my given name. Without a family.
Without achievements, grades, or my American, capitalist context
Take it all away, then who am I?
To a Stranger, to a Shrink, to a Boyfriend, girlfriend, to a parent, to a teacher, to God, to a child
Who am I to them?
What would I be like without the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers?
Would I be this down all the time?
If I was, I think I would be gone by now.
What good is there in this struggle for sanity?
I feel hopeless but I know things will change
I know I will not feel this horrible for the rest of every waking moment of my life
I still feel hopeless because of this cycle that will continue to occur.

I am a scared young woman, misunderstood by her self and others.
That's who I am.
Will I be strong enough to stand in God's love?

"She is strong enough to stand in my love"

SOC 441: Statement of Vocation

So i wanted to share an assignment i had this semester for one of my classes that i found to be very helpful to do. The title is statement of vocation and that is what i attempted to do, as much as i can, at this early point in my life. Tell me whatcha think;)

I am pursuing a joint calling to create a family with a partner, friend and husband and to serve the community, following Jesus’ greatest commandment to love others, care for the poor, sick, widows and children. This is not the same thing as a career path because I have realized moving up the ladder in a job is not precisely what I desire. Due to much reflection on my interests and complementary skills, the human services are where I see my contribution being the most useful and fulfilling. My particular skill in empathetic listening is what has led me to make a Masters in counseling a future vocational goal. Since it includes more education as a requirement however for now I simply want to get my hands dirty in the “real world”.

I began at Messiah College as a freshman nursing major, very unsure of what I should study. The early years were filled with battling depression in order to continue fooling others and myself as well as trying to find my true self; her wants, desires, passions within a restricted academic program (nursing), allowing little room for growth. However as my dichotomous time at college continued, the best two choices I made were studying abroad and changing my major to Religion. What I’ve learned mostly came from my relationships and recognizing the legitimate need I as an individual have for deep and meaningful connection with people.

If I had the choice, I definitely would have delayed college. This would have given me more time to find my interests, callings and motivations without the overwhelming pressure of paper deadlines, projects and making an entirely new social network. I now feel strongly that not every young person should necessarily be pushed to a four year college if they are not ready.

oh life! (Annalee that is a shout out to you)

ok, one more...

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-Sex and the City

I am what I am

musical lyrics, sung by Linda Eder (youtube her!!)

"I want more"

I want magic carpets, I want true romance
I want moonlight cruises to the South of France
And I want kisses that go on for days
I want more than this in so many ways

I want more full-filling
I want equal billing
I want champagne chilling at the door
So, in short, I'm saying if you want me- I want more

Give me more relating
Give me less debating
I want all those things I'm waiting for
So, in case you're listening, if you want me
Really want me, if you want me...
I want more!

When did the me that i so long to be, Lose her natural sense of direction?
When did that you that i'm turning into
get a trifle to tense for affection?
Can we ever get over this thing about winning?
Can we ever capture a moment that's past?
If we simply begin with a brand new beginning


After the end of a relationship recently, this is all i'm gonna "post" on the subject because music can always explain things:)

FIRST POST OF 2009

In these lyrics, by the genius band Coldplay, I find a strikingly familiar worldview forming in myself.

No I don't want to battle from beginning to end
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge.
I don't want to follow death and all of its friends

Recently as i'm trying to look at life n a broad sense; 5, 10 years down the line for example and look at the life patterns all around me, i see little hope of much change or variance. "That's just the way things are" type of attitude I do not want to embrace, at least not to the point that i stop questioning why i do what i do, why organizations, businesses, countries, governments, or artists do what they do. Life is so cyclical and I keep coming back to it.

Most of what has been coming to my mind of late is, child rearing. Perhaps this is from attending some parenting classes at my internship or from my curiosity in young children from my psychology of religion class this semester. Whatever the case, I am finding that being in touch with our own experiences from childhood, the good and bad, embarrassing and empowering is important when we decide to bring other people into the world via procreation! Or when we decide to make an intentional difference or relationship with another young person, be that mentoring, teaching, being a friendly neighbor... So much of the basis for a person's identity is formed in the early developmental life stages (childhood) and so I simply think, this complexity of these subjects should be seriously contemplated by all people

Depressing as it may sound in the lyrics, alot of life is battling, hardship, doing things we don't like to do, having to compromise our morals to get ahead, trying to establish an identity, individual to national.

So, who do you think are death's friends?
I thought perhaps death's buddies would be anger, vengeance, greed, hopelessness...