just a funny line

a quote from an episode of LOST

"Let's carpool man. It'll help with global warming, but that hasn't happened yet, so maybe we can prevent it."
-Hurley to the group (who are living in the past, the 70's)

I Wonder as I Wander

Hi friends--I'm finally back!!!


So, it has been approximately 4 months since I took my current job; Supervising teenage girls who are in the care of the government (Child Protective Services = CPS) and live in the shelter/home I work at for a transitional period of time. The position started out on a shaky foot, but It has gradually been improving and looks on the upside of things now. I have just about mastered my night shift schedule and am hoping that I will let myself try working the other shifts during the day when I have more responsibility and more importantly have the most interaction with the clients.
I say, "let myself" because if it was up to my boss, I would be working 7am-3pm or 3-11pm too. Personally though, I still do not feel comfortable enough because of my first few weeks on the day shift; alone and feeling like i' d been thrown to the "manipulative" wolves!
Ha. I laugh now but seriously these girls kicked my ass, I am not ashamed to admit it. There are definitely no college courses that could ever have prepared me for what I face at this job and I knew this (on some level) coming into it however it just stinks to feel so helpless and ill-equipped not to have 5 young girls under control...But OH my, these girls are so much more complex than just being teenagers--Not getting into that at this time, just yet.


Other "newness" in Arizona

*Still enjoying every day I can be so near to my sister, brother-in-law and nieces!!

*Training for the Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon on January 17th

*Hosted my mother and niece for Thanksgiving for two weeks

*Singing in the University Presbyterian Church choir with Holly and occasionally singing duets together- like at the recent Dessert Christmas concert!

*First time Black Friday shopping and will probably be the last-after 2 hours in line at Kohls.

*Visiting a hospice patient once a week; a.k.a I get to "play" masseuse for twenty minutes haha.

*Found a great counselor with a PH.D. to talk to about life; transitioning, work, and so forth...

*Totally into the shows LOST, So You Think You Can Dance?, GLEE and Deadwood and re-runs on late or in the wee hours of morning (at the shelter on the job, yes) of Will&Grace, Sex&City and Frasier! fun stuff.

**
And lastly, being glad and joyful inside for deleting my facebook account and the constant wasted time spent on such things (no judgement intended-purely a self-reflection) and also for taking on the art of letter-writing to good people back East;) It is in these small ways of being "counter-cultural" that I believe, do bring me my present happiness/fulfimment and have helped me find the real and true pure joys available everyday.

***
For me that has come in the form of--> shared daily life together again after 13 years with a beloved sister and kindred spirit named Holly. Watching and being a part of her children/my nieces who are growing before our eyes. And learning to appreciate another part of the Great Divine's creation that is the dry and mountainous, yet honest, desert.

****
Now, Of course since i absolutely love lyrics and other people's words; I chose to end with a Maroon 5 song entitled, "I'm Through With You"

(sub-text) Yes, this is intended for one male person in particular and is not meant to be cryptic. Neither are they all the things I feel about or towards him. This is simply a strengthening and supportive song for me to declare.
more to myself than to any one else. Thank you very much ;)


Can you see me, Floating above your head
As you lay in bed, Thinking about everything
That you did not do, Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call--That I know will never come.
I used to think you were the one, Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all!

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you -- Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep

Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me

That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch

There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you
I ain't ever coming back to you.

end of summer...beginning yet again

It is exactly one week into my new job at Creative Innovations Inc., working for their girls group home and shelter for children in child protective services. Although there is too much to try and share currently from the challenges of this job so far, I have actually some other exciting things on my mind these days, inspired and coming from of course- a book:) However prayers for the job is so much appreciated!! Thanks.

I am almost finished with the last book in the Fitzwilliam Darcy Gentlemen series by Pamela Aidan.What a pleasure it brings me! (and it will for anyway who has read Pride & Prejudice before)

I am in a realization phase of its artistry, of the underlying understanding first of all of Jane Austen's famous fictional novel which has come to be almost real to its faithful admirers. And second, the creative muse of Aidan to tell another part of the story that is most left out of Austen's version. To me, this is a pure example of art at its core-always evolving and re-creating, working off of its predecessors, as humbly as possible, honoring who and what came before them. That excites me exceedingly! Why you say? I think just because it says there are no wrong steps, only imagination, creativity and newness at every turn! Art allows such freedom and beauty manifests itself. And again for all you Jane Austen freaks--the three books feed your lingering curiosities of Mr. Darcy and much more...

It is at times such as these, when I begin to wonder at my choice of vocation- i know, i know I'm still there, blame it on Messiah College (ha) i.e., counseling/social work to weigh it against the possibility of involvement in more of the art world. But that thought process is so vague and underdeveloped at this point, so that is all I will say on the matter:) I do regret. Yes, however I find it necessary to acknowledge what exactly those regrets are, not being ashamed of them but to let go of them and move on. In the Life of Pi, the author says something similar to this moving on business. I quote Yan Martel, he says,
"Doubt is useful for a while...If Christ played with doubt than so must we...but we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life (referring here to agnostics) is a kin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."

As Pamela Aidan's bio says she is a "librarian, teacher and storyteller, who claims a life long love of Jane Austen and the world of Regency England" -makes me want to know what my bio could be in 20 years! and my friends' too!

I can only imagine.

*Last thing, here is another quote taken from Life of Pi I thought very provoking: the author is a Christian

"Atheists are my brothers and sisters of a different faith and every word they speak, speaks of faith. Like me they go as far as the legs of reason will take me. And then they leap." -Yan Martel

Amen. Peace and Grace be with you my brothers and sisters- out there in cyber space:)

Can't Hurry Love

I've been reading alot about LOVE, in The Shack, which i do highly recommend for someone confused with Christian theology, especially the Trinity as well as the question of where is God in our world?

on a simpler note, i heard these favorite lyrics of mine from an oldie but goody;)

"I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

But how many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a love
To let me live again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin on
When I feel my strength, yeah
Its almost gone
I remember mama said:

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take"

the other day my mom said in the car after a similar song, "they just don't make songs like this anymore!"

I can agree with her now:)

more of my book review soon...

Afraid to Judge

It is time once again for a blog reflection time for me. Many things have transpired since my last post. The most exciting of which is I got a job!! I have not begun it yet though--It is going to be a position working in a girls group home in Phoenix for a non-profit org called Creative Innovations. More on that I am sure, later.

Most of what i want to share however is not about future expectations and plans here in Arizona exactly, it is more about being unanimous with my sister and mother about the evils of technology! I can get so fired up about this and don't realize until it starts to come up in conversation. I am not sure about many things and am hesitant to label any "one thing" bad/evil/destructive/to be avoided, BUT...I KNOW it is ok to question where we are going as a people completely absorbed in being "connected". Honestly though (venting) I am getting tired, even of myself using that as an excuse for constantly checking texts, facebook, twitter, email, etc. Are we truly more communicable and connected to others because of all the new "applications"? Or have we increased our supposed popularity, mastered living on the surface by only exposing our best selves to the world? Were we even created with the capacity to maintain 1,500 friendships? It is incredible though because when you think about it in these terms, we are redefining certain vocabulary, like the word friend for example. I mean is that going to be a new definition in our dictionaries twenty years from now? Friend: a person one chooses to be able to view one's facebook profile page on the internet...and clarifying what de-friending and friending mean as well? HA! This in itself fascinates me and makes me think back to a book I read in school about creating new culture"

Here's an honest question from me- to you, readers:

Is a reason why we stay on our computers more and do less face to face interaction and traveling physically to see a friend or stranger simply from fear and anxiety? Or has it at least contributed to increased amounts of phobias and fears? I mean how many people have broken up or had hard conversations with another person over email or chatting online instead of watching the other person's reaction in their face and having to live with it? Isn't it somewhat easier to be more brutal or more blunt or just say things we wouldn't out loud, when we can type them to a screen with no face?

more venting--

A commercial we had to sit through at least 3 times before a movie this afternoon was from the NOW network informing us that millions of people bought their tickets on their phone or watched trailers of the film on their phone!!! Like OMG, who gives a F*%$!?? is what I'm screaming in my head!


Also I think about how unhappy and unfulfilled most people tell you that they are and want their lives to look and be different, then why not try cutting out some of the unnecessary? They can't unless they are totally convinced about the success of such an endeavour...most people will prefer to stay miserable but be "in the know" and up-to-date with the latest advancement, rather than try to alter something in their routine to allow space for peace to enter in. What happened to connection with oneself and one's God or Deity? So many things are dying and are becoming lost arts, lost habits, lost traditions and it pains me to see this happen. I keep feeling like I am so "old-fashioned" in a sense and want to try and explore and understand that; hopefully to do something productive about it but it kind of feels fruitless at this point because everyone seems to be enthralled in today's technology! And so I'm trying here to have a conversation about this, with those who may not agree with me. Because it is easier and convenient to just go on and on preaching to the choir (my mom and sister) about this stuff.

My sister brings up a good point in that technology these days are negatively affecting our children. They are getting used to instant gratification which will ultimately produce impatience, correct? And are we as creative now or inquisitive to find information when we know that google or wickepedia can answer anything we have? Will we ever have great musicians like in the past who composed symphonies when there's music accessible to us everywhere?

Perhaps it is from studying cultures alot that makes me wonder can I really say any kind of culture is bad or good? Who am I to say that writing on paper versus writing on a blackberry is better? (I know--Trees are saved using the blackberry, that is the obvious and use able excuse for defending this way of communicating) I don't know if people in the past before computers and multi-media were any less depressed and were more truly connected and simply better, more decent people, but I'm acknowledging that most of the time i do have that rosy-colored picture of the past...writing that now even seems very wrong and jumping to conclusions. I mean, aren't people continually the same in their flaws? Have we progressed much in ethics and morality? I mean were those who worked and tilled the ground for food and saw the entire process through to their dinner tables better off and more thankful people then we are now who shop thoughtlessly at the grocery stores and shove whatever in our mouths?

I need to stop ranting and raving at some point though, and choose to DO something in response.

I realize I am asking a huge question here, a question of humanity's progression through history and so forth...Is this just a fruitless enterprise? I don't think so because I don't want to become mindless and incapable of holding my own view on things and if we let something this big and expansive like technology rule our daily lives, than that cannot be good!
a conclusion:

I guess I hold by the philosophy that too much of anything is not good for you. And it definitely goes with technology these days.

this is blog post worthy!!

So you know when you meet famous people, they usually stun you and you're awe-struck and suddenly mute? Well it is true. Thanks to Holly, my sister, however I was able to speak once she broke the ice to---Amanda Borden!! (1996 USA Gold Medal Olympic Gymnastics Champion, part of the Magnificent 7) whom I idolized as one of my favorites among the USA team that summer I was glued to the tv set and religiously re-watched the tapes of her routines, AND the reason i might add, I decided to start taking gymnastics at the old age (for the sport) of 10! This is all simply so amusing to me and I hope to some other readers. But it is just a beautiful thing to see this girl, now woman and mother still beaming with her beautiful smile and teaching my little Josephine (niece) on the balance beam no less!!!! I was able, after Holly introduced me, to tell Amanda I am a huge fan and it was an honor to meet her. She said I made her day (since many of her current students were not even born when she was in the Olympics), but heck! She knows not that she made my life! just kidding, but I have to be dramatic here.

I couldn't use enough explanation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!

READERS--who are your idols from childhood??? any similar awe-striking experiences? And no, Jesus is not the correct answer here. get creative here:)

STILL A LITTLE GIRL - IN MANY MANY WAYS

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong. Is all alone.

Eyes wide open, Always hoping for the sun.
And she'll sing her song to anyone that comes along.

Fragile as a leaf in autumn.
Just fallin' to the ground.
Without a sound.
Crooked little smile on her face, Tells a tale of grace...That's all her own.

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong. And she's all alone

-song lyrics by Norah Jones

$$$$$

Money, sigh. root of all evil.

Money. First off, I admit I've never had to really truly be responsible with it.

Money, pisses me off!

Money. I don't want it to make problems with my family.

Money, stresses people (including me)

Money, I have a little but that only depends on who I am comparing myself against.

Money. Why does it almost always come between relationships and honestly I wish I existed in a culture and time before money ruled and made the world go 'round.

***********************************************************

A Quote from the book, A Year of Questions, "Have we forgotten how to do anything without getting out our wallets?"

Arizona, the New Chapter

Well I've been anything but bored...My sister says I am receiving a natural form of birth control being out here spending all day like a parent with her two little ones. I agree. I am still on the job hunt for work in the social services. Once something comes through, I for sure will write here. Other than that, this is my current library index:

Have read* The Abstinence Reader and The Poison wood Bible and almost finished the 19th Wife
Currently reading * Ishmael, The World is Flat, God and Politics, Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife (my guilty pleasure bed time reading, haha)
Soon to get to ** The Red Tent, God helps those who help themselves (book on reiki)

(Am contemplating writing book and movie reviews on here, from this lady's ideas)

I volunteer at Grace Hospice which I've enjoyed thus far. More on that too as it progresses and I start visiting with a continuous person, right now I've traveled to several people/families with their social worker.

Now to what I want to my post:

Are we all sinners of the same merit? I am a questioning person, a curious cat and finally after a brainwashing of evangelical Christianity phase of my life, I feel I am free to ask the world and myself these questions. This came up due to my reading the 19th Wife, a novel and historical account of the rise of Mormonism, more through the eyes of the women and children. So I'm at a part about the Utah Reformation in which an elder leader comes to a church and essentially forces confessions out of all even if they may either be lying about such sins or they don't have any that comes to mind and so they are hunted down and made to anyway- to ensure their eternal salvation.

This actually hits home to when I'd be sitting in a hard pew on a Sunday morning, racking my brain trying to think of a sin to confess to God in a corporate prayer setting. I am not saying all days I'd have nothing to fess up to the Almighty (I'm not trying to come across self-righteous here), however I will honestly admit my struggle to always think of how I may have offended God or another person was frustratingly confusing and became an unhealthy cycle of confession, doubt, regret and guilt. I can see the good part in this "exercise" to try and discipline oneself to think of others and not always be self-absorbed, but there is a balance to this to make it healthy and helpful, true and not just some bullshit to fit in with the community. I am a full believer in humanity's flaws but also in our goodness and potential for love, our strengths as creatures of a higher being/One/great unified mystery we will never fully comprehend (yes, i still have no comfortable name for God currently, but I'm sure you still get my drift). Confession of "sin" to me these days means more admittance to flaws to oneself and others who've been hurt by them. I'd appreciate any of your thoughts on the initial question.

I think religion like anything else has equal potential for good and bad and the Utah reformation is an example (and no doubt there have been plenty other like-times in history in all religious sects this has occurred-no singular blame on the LDS.) And I do not blame fully my years of evangelical training because i think part of the problem was the type of person i was at the time, an impressionable teenager, very much open to what authority figures (whom I liked and admired and wanted to emulate) had to say...And it was strong stuff, dealing with life and death; moral and ethical issues that I felt had to be taken at black and white value. But even then in a silent corner of my brain and heart i had unexpressed desires for delving into the doubtful and tragically beautiful depths of the gray; the colors and diversity of life. That is where i live now.

I think I know now that my education at Messiah College was much for that purpose, to allow me space and freedom (with no judging and guilt tacked onto thinking outside the cookie-cutter Christian bubble I learned in Moorestown). I am so thankful for this woman for coming to Messiah College and bringing with her cultural Anthropology!
Not all of my questions are answered. However, the most crucial one has been. That is, that I've received the answer- I will never know the answers to all my questions. I will never be satisfied and completely convinced of my answers. And that is life, that is OK, that is all i can expect to receive from this universe of potential for good and bad. I am thankful for the open-minded perspective I have at the young age of 23 and am proud! I will say it again; I am proud of the person I am today, And i won't allow the perspective that i am a rotten sinner, unworthy of love to take that truth away:)

I think I've got it down now. Got what down? How to live each day at a time, to live in the present and see the beauty and worth in each moment- even the frustrating, trying of patient ones. (ehm...Josie...the job market) simplicity has enabled this, I believe.

I am a nomad, a traveler, a "beach bum babe" (sarah miller says;) I need little but the basic essentials-glasses, a book, paper & pen, clothes, food and self-confidence. Oh and treats of ice-cream, natural wonders- creation and animals, theatrical art, music, etc...good kinship and solitude.

I've learned this through the years of community living in Central America, college road trips, hikes, camping at national parks, living off others' hospitality (Which makes me look forward to when I can be more of the benefactor) Germany, Kenya and now Arizona!

I just got home to Tempe, AZ from San Diego, CA which was simply AMAZING! I tried out surfing and saw a few friends and played with the family! now back to the desert where I will continue writing hopefully weekly. This i have missed.



Peace and Love from me to you.

Did I really make it?

True Confession--

After some journaling a couple weeks ago, which is not going up on my blog...however I will relay this portion:

"I want someone to read this (my journal entry) and make the decisions for me...this is where i start to fear and hate life when I feel so utterly alone; in that no one else can really do what I have to do and there are no set rules and regulations anymore, I'm grown up (or growing up), no referees anymore, no time-outs, it is all up to me! And it sucks completely and utterly. I don't feel a bit empowered. I feel stuck in who I am, yes I feel at home in my skin more because I know more of who Kori is, but it's this confusing, complex, dangerous side of her I feel is taking over me and turning my day into a digression back into the cave of isolation.

And then Yesterday I wrote:

"Today I was walking up Main Street, All I could think was that I am so happy at this point. I am a graduate-I really did it!!!! As any who know me-this is a pretty large feat. I kept thinking to myself, I am content with the person I am right now. I really feel blessed in my life with the great people surrounding me and the appropriate, healthy, holistic desires within myself to live my life with intentionality, hope and love." 

Some of the best advice (from author, Parker Palmer) on how to help a depressed person:

"...found ways to be present to me without violating my soul's integrity, because they were not driven by their own fears, the fears that lead us to either fix it or abandon each other, they provided me with a life line to the human race. That life line constituted the most profound form of leadership I can imagine-leading a suffering person back to life from a living death."

We Finally Have A Song...

"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down

on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You cant keep awake

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you

cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You

I dont know anymore
What its for
Im not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the Sun
Will you help me to understand
cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe youre not even sure what its for
Any more than me

May gods love be with you
Always
May gods love be with you"

~Josh Arthur

Please Insert Rocky Theme Song

I just returned now from a run and walk of at least 6 possibly 7 miles on the familiar terrain (back when i ran and biked) through the fields of Pennsylvania and outside of Messiah's quaint campus/town.

I feel I must post because I seriously compare what i just encountered on my run with what the temptation of Satan may have felt like to Jesus in his early ministry.

Satan's questions would be comparable to these thoughts i had to myself:

"You have not had enough nutrients to make it through this run. You'll pass out, no one around, no phone, what are you kidding yourself? this would be more than you've run in a total of a week...you aren't up for this, you're overambitious and it is going to get you in trouble. this is boring, see? how did you do this for all those years before? Just give up and make it a shorter run and get to work..."

whenever i stopped out of exhaustion the Satan thoughts returned:
"See, every time you stop it only makes it more difficult to start up again...you would have been happier with yourself if you had gone running straight through the entire time without stopping, like you used to! too late for that though..."

But then Grace spoke and I allowed my self to listen to her:

"This is a little accomplishment to some/many but it only matters to you, this will be such a boost you know afterwards, for having not run more than 2 miles straight in years, think how breakthrough this will be!?...and remember who you are and who you used to be, that is still the same person (FYI i used to be a competitive long distance runner) This is what you desire to get back to, so it will feel somewhat different, walking and listening and looking around you when you need to re-charge, that is o.k. one way of running is not better than another. You already started that is amazing! you do believe in the impossible sometimes, focus on two things, what you'll write about for the paper tonight and your breathing and each step forward. Stop beating yourself up and try and enjoy this. you have the time to spend an hour outside on a Sunday afternoon, so embrace it! don't feel awful that you are so privileged and spoiled and have things on a silver platter, no, those are the circumstances you have been born into, this free and open time will only last a few more months and then you are more on your own to make your life what you want it to be, but for now-just be. just run. just walk. just look around and praise God for beauty.

So I started my run at McCormick, parked my car, so that i could end up there to soak my feet in the water with all the fishermen out today...about an hour later i made it, trudging along with my ipod on listening to Broadway tunes i love from Wicked and Miss Saigon...yes, I'm odd. And I finally tried out this old rusty swing set towards the end of the run that I've passed zillions of times before but never had "time" for or was curious enough or thought I'd get so much pleasure out of swinging like a three year old again, but TODAY i did!

amen and I am finished, off my soap box.

I hope this helps someone. Maybe to see they're not the only ones talking to themselves. If you put it in my terms of Satan vs. Grace or perhaps- negative talk vs. positive talk or untrue self vs. true self or Satan vs. Jesus in the dessert quoting' all sorts of scripture to combat--you see you just aren't crazy you're just living the human experience we all do.

p.s. yes Grace is a female;)

"my darling, my pooch, my world"

I wrote this to my best friend on her departure from College and transition to a "real job"

I decided to post this now because I think of her almost every day and miss her presence in my life so very much! Thank GOD for friends, amen?

My dear Gretchen Petchen
From the moment in Lottie Nelson
That fateful year we were Freshman
Something deep within, told me she's a "naughty"

Ya know how i knew it too?
Twas thine fair but crazy blue eyes
They showed me you were "ooo wee"

These are the best days of our lives
And G, for me you fulfilled them
With all that damn spontaneity to "jump&jive"
Never willing to sit still when surrounded by Messiah boys

I won't deny we had our differences
My sarcasm with emotions runninng high
Your fearless opinions and patience for my offences
But for all the endless ringing alarm clocks and unnecessary small mouth references
I hope you'll take a piece of me with you
And I know I will never have the same sense of fashion either!

You were the best friend I could have ever asked for
You always spoke life and strength and confidence into me
I knew our lives would change when Belize we left for
But with no warning did I imagine "the Nab" fitting you to such a tea;)

And this is where our paths do finally split
Roommates for two years I wish I could keep you here for another
But i cannot stop where life takes each of us, I submit
To you, friend who will forever remain in my heart

Goodbye, Farewell, and know "the best is Yet to come"

Simply put = I Love You.

My Natural Default Setting

So i got that ^ phrase from another blogger about a year ago i think:)

I also wrote this poem around the same time, last April, while obviously, as you will see, in the depths of a depression.
Why do i choose to put it up here?
Simply because it says to me, People can change, they can better themselves and move forward through life's shit. I believe we are all drawn to tendencies to feel so utterly hopeless. But not all people choose to make that known to others, or even for that matter, known to themselves. I feel sorry for them now, but when i was depressed i envied them so and wished i could be different.

I think i can answer the questions i ask in this poem today, and that is awesome! thank you, you ALL know who you are.

A Poem, by me

Who am I? Devoid of my given name. Without a family.
Without achievements, grades, or my American, capitalist context
Take it all away, then who am I?
To a Stranger, to a Shrink, to a Boyfriend, girlfriend, to a parent, to a teacher, to God, to a child
Who am I to them?
What would I be like without the anti-depressants and mood stabilizers?
Would I be this down all the time?
If I was, I think I would be gone by now.
What good is there in this struggle for sanity?
I feel hopeless but I know things will change
I know I will not feel this horrible for the rest of every waking moment of my life
I still feel hopeless because of this cycle that will continue to occur.

I am a scared young woman, misunderstood by her self and others.
That's who I am.
Will I be strong enough to stand in God's love?

"She is strong enough to stand in my love"

SOC 441: Statement of Vocation

So i wanted to share an assignment i had this semester for one of my classes that i found to be very helpful to do. The title is statement of vocation and that is what i attempted to do, as much as i can, at this early point in my life. Tell me whatcha think;)

I am pursuing a joint calling to create a family with a partner, friend and husband and to serve the community, following Jesus’ greatest commandment to love others, care for the poor, sick, widows and children. This is not the same thing as a career path because I have realized moving up the ladder in a job is not precisely what I desire. Due to much reflection on my interests and complementary skills, the human services are where I see my contribution being the most useful and fulfilling. My particular skill in empathetic listening is what has led me to make a Masters in counseling a future vocational goal. Since it includes more education as a requirement however for now I simply want to get my hands dirty in the “real world”.

I began at Messiah College as a freshman nursing major, very unsure of what I should study. The early years were filled with battling depression in order to continue fooling others and myself as well as trying to find my true self; her wants, desires, passions within a restricted academic program (nursing), allowing little room for growth. However as my dichotomous time at college continued, the best two choices I made were studying abroad and changing my major to Religion. What I’ve learned mostly came from my relationships and recognizing the legitimate need I as an individual have for deep and meaningful connection with people.

If I had the choice, I definitely would have delayed college. This would have given me more time to find my interests, callings and motivations without the overwhelming pressure of paper deadlines, projects and making an entirely new social network. I now feel strongly that not every young person should necessarily be pushed to a four year college if they are not ready.

oh life! (Annalee that is a shout out to you)

ok, one more...

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
-Sex and the City

I am what I am

musical lyrics, sung by Linda Eder (youtube her!!)

"I want more"

I want magic carpets, I want true romance
I want moonlight cruises to the South of France
And I want kisses that go on for days
I want more than this in so many ways

I want more full-filling
I want equal billing
I want champagne chilling at the door
So, in short, I'm saying if you want me- I want more

Give me more relating
Give me less debating
I want all those things I'm waiting for
So, in case you're listening, if you want me
Really want me, if you want me...
I want more!

When did the me that i so long to be, Lose her natural sense of direction?
When did that you that i'm turning into
get a trifle to tense for affection?
Can we ever get over this thing about winning?
Can we ever capture a moment that's past?
If we simply begin with a brand new beginning


After the end of a relationship recently, this is all i'm gonna "post" on the subject because music can always explain things:)

FIRST POST OF 2009

In these lyrics, by the genius band Coldplay, I find a strikingly familiar worldview forming in myself.

No I don't want to battle from beginning to end
I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge.
I don't want to follow death and all of its friends

Recently as i'm trying to look at life n a broad sense; 5, 10 years down the line for example and look at the life patterns all around me, i see little hope of much change or variance. "That's just the way things are" type of attitude I do not want to embrace, at least not to the point that i stop questioning why i do what i do, why organizations, businesses, countries, governments, or artists do what they do. Life is so cyclical and I keep coming back to it.

Most of what has been coming to my mind of late is, child rearing. Perhaps this is from attending some parenting classes at my internship or from my curiosity in young children from my psychology of religion class this semester. Whatever the case, I am finding that being in touch with our own experiences from childhood, the good and bad, embarrassing and empowering is important when we decide to bring other people into the world via procreation! Or when we decide to make an intentional difference or relationship with another young person, be that mentoring, teaching, being a friendly neighbor... So much of the basis for a person's identity is formed in the early developmental life stages (childhood) and so I simply think, this complexity of these subjects should be seriously contemplated by all people

Depressing as it may sound in the lyrics, alot of life is battling, hardship, doing things we don't like to do, having to compromise our morals to get ahead, trying to establish an identity, individual to national.

So, who do you think are death's friends?
I thought perhaps death's buddies would be anger, vengeance, greed, hopelessness...