I'm sitting here listening to U2 that is on my "summer road trip" playlist on itunes and wishing i was headed somewhere on the wide open road with great friends with the same passion and desire for adventure. Instead I am bogged down with work, deadlines, exams, to do lists, events, chapels to go to, more plans to make and I'm just sitting here. still. There is something inside me that keeps me sitting. still. Still with the knowledge, mind you, of the latter I just previously mentioned must be completed and yet i sit, stuck, numb, overwhelmed, paralyzed-so-to-speak.
I have been surprised though; twice recently. Once was a couple days ago when Michael was talking about something that he didn't want to do, yet again, even he was aware of his repetition. However unlike most times when I nod my head or in some way show my empathy and understanding of the crappy situation that it is, something else occurred. Unbeknownst to me, I heard myself ask him simply, "what happened to the whole trusting God thing?" He and I were both in a way surprised at what I had suggested and it definitely got us thinking. In all honesty, that part of my faith/spirituality, whatever you want to call it, but that area of my life has really taken a dramatic shift. Maybe it has been a shift to neutral because I do not feel ready or convinced enough to move in any direction; but since that concept of Trust even surfaced then was an important sign for me.
Second surprise came from my New Testament Literature class. We are studying the gospel of Mark right now and since learning who Mark was writing to and the very obvious themes in the book, another word "surprised" me. And that is, suffering. First though let me explain that as I learned Mark was writing to the community of zealot Jews who had just experienced a failure revolt against the Romans at the "Rock of Masada" from 68-70BCE. So this is incredibly important in how Mark portrays Jesus, in a very human, feeling, suffering light because these Jews knew first hand what is was to suffer. I learned that not only were they killed and persecuted unjustly but they also had to be thinking things like, 'Where do we worship now with no Temple?' And 'What does God want us to do, Where is the source of our faith?' Therefore as you can read in Mark (which now reading it with these new insights is pretty enjoyable) the anticipating of his suffering and death as well as his last breath being "Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:33-34) can make much more sense; knowing that his (Mark) listeners would completely relate and understand Jesus' agony and suffering portrayed. So anyway, just hearing about suffering again and the focus Mark deliberately took to have his readers see that our God, even the Christ; the Messiah was pre-ordained some may say, planned or was meant to suffer during his short life was another new sign for me.
Why is this a surprise to me? I think because I have been rather absorbed in my own hardships and daily difficulties that I lost sight of this truth that we have. The truth that you WILL suffer, but it is what you do with it, how you live despite it and through it that comes to hold more meaning and weight. There is no sense comparing one another's hardships because each person is completely and incomparably unique and justified to feel the way they feel. In the same thought we should still tell our stories and be real with one another. And being in the comfortable American middle class culture contributes to the forgetfulness that happens-when i forget that there is suffering everywhere! And so i'm going to try and not be so startled or surprised when I experience my own suffering (as if it is something so unique to just little old me) but remember the rest of the world right there too, trying to make it from day to day.
