Best Question I could every ask of myself

Heart, can you please infuse my soul with a more generous perspective on my mind’s workings?

quote by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

good reading...

This is from the chapter entitled, All the way down, in Parker Palmer's little book-
Let Your Life Speak:Listening for the Voice of Vocation

This man needed to understand his clinical depression as a spiritual journey, and that is what this chapter goes through...and having gone through stages of depression myself, these words ring so true, so deep and move me to no words (for now) but to shake my head with a compelling sense to repeat it here for others to read. And it has encouraged me to later write on my own journey...And even if you have never been depressed, this is good to read to know how to be a helpful presence to someone you may encounter, and trust me, you will, this is not such an uncommon illness as you may be inclined to believe just because it is not widely talked about.


"One of the hardest things we must do sometimes is to be present to another person's pain without trying to "fix" it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person's mystery and misery. Standing there, we feel useless and powerless, which is exactly what a depressed person feels--and our unconscious need as Job's comforters (referring to the biblical story of Job) is to reassure ourselves that we are not like the sad soul before us."

"For a long time, the "oughts" had been the driving force in my life-and when I failed to live "up" to those oughts, I saw myself as a weak and faithless person. I never stopped to ask, "How does such-and-such fit my God-given nature?"or "Is such-and-such truly my gift and call?" As a result, important parts of the life I was living were not mine to live and thus were doomed to fail."

"One of the most painful discoveries I made in the midst of the dark woods of depression was that a part of me wanted to stay depressed. As long as I clung to this living death, life became easier; little was expected of me, certainly not serving others.
I missed the deep meaning of a biblical teaching that I had always regarded as a no-brainer: "I set before you life or death, blessing or curse. Therefore, choose life" (Deuteronomy 30:19) Why, I wondered, would God waste precious breath on saying something so obvious? I had failed to understand the perverse comfort we sometimes get from choosing death in life, exempting ourselves of challenge of using our gifts, of living out lives in authentic relationship with others."

A quote on what Love is; Poet Rainer Maria Rilke says,

"love...consists in this, that two solitudes
protect and border and salute each other."

Another great read that my sister brought to my attention last week, I'd like to share here with you now. It is a transcript of a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace
(the writer was found dead in his home last week, an apparent suicide at the age of 46. Many of
the articles about him this week mention this speech. After reading it, I thought it was essentially a speech about depression and well worth reading for sufferers and non-sufferers alike.)

How do we get clean again?

The God of wine is crouched down in my room
you let me down. i said it
now I'm going down and you're not even around
I know
I can't keep it all together
Can we get clean again?
The sadness i can't erase
All the love on your face
the alcohol it permeates

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I'm hangin' on your words like I always used to do.

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When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to feel alive

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There's a demon inside my brain that starts to overwhelm
I feel this narcolepsy slide
into another nightmare
I try to swim beneath
Try to keep awake

Comedy in God Talk

I quote the Danish Philosopher and Theologian, Soren Kierkegaard today.

"There is an element of comedy in all talk of God, which we who have received a measure of grace should be quick to confess."

And to paraphrase what Gerald McDermott says in addition to Kierkegaard (in his book, that I am reading for class: Can Evangelicals Learn from World Religions?)
It is pretty outrageous that when we as humans consider our insignificance and smallness in the whole scheme of things, for us to declare monumental truths about God, when he is so much bigger than all our minds combined.

What a week! Classes have definitely kept me thinking, which is rather an understatement at this point. I have a sneaky-feeling that my blog posts from now on are going to turn into my de-briefing of class material. I hope some of you find it interesting and sparks some commentary:)

Now let my weekend begin! with dinner and a movie, a good boyfriend and best friend coming to visit!!! hoooray!

No Wonderwoman here

This post was inspired by a wonderful lady! Just in small talk, i was reminded of an introductory song at the beginning of a tv show, ya know? And that show was SCRUBS! if there are any fellow fans out there woohoo! if not-you must try watching an episode and tell me it didn't make you crack up. Anywho, back to the lyrics i wanted to share because they are especially poignant after my last post.

"I can't do this all on my own.
I'm no Superman"

So yeah, I am asking for your help. And I am ok with that. My roommate and i even made a pact tonight to make/force each other to be more confident this year:) a step in the right direction i hope.

Beware: Word Vomit

Let me try to recall all the different thoughts I had on my ride home today. First, I wonder to myself if I am just biding my time, with getting an education, before I become a mother and wife and that becomes my job and priority? I want to talk to my Anthropology Professor (female) about this more and others, thoughts? I know I have learned so much and the importance of learning outside of education and so this statement seems utterly backwards and just unbelievable it is coming from ME, but sadly it is none-the-less. I also think if I do not start to really truly believe in myself and my capability to give, contribute, work, function, enhance those around me then I will never make an interesting life that I idealize for myself i.e. live in a cool place, teach at a college, or counsel at my own practice, ride my bike everywhere, read, write, publish, travel and never get unhealthy, oh and duh, raise my very own family. I honestly have thought to myself of the scenario or possibility that I really truly do NOT have what it takes to be a Professor or Counselor or Writer and so this is all just a waste of time and shouldn’t I have figured this out long ago? I have been reading so much of theology and philosophy as of late for my classes and am full of all kinds of theories, oh what to believe? I scare myself at how easily I come to not quite believe but see the light and truth in some of Freud’s work about religion and God. Frightening, how easy it is for me to believe that we (as a human race) just made it all up, conjured it up in our heads, wish for it to be this way and then actualize it. I've thought this plenty of times before but never verbalized or wrote it out but reading someone else express it that same way--is kind of what happened when i read Freud today. Of course I see order to the universe and so forth and think there must be a reason and something behind it all, but I will never have the slightest idea; all I have are generations of what others have found to be true. People are capable of quite a lot and that includes their imaginations and creativity. So couldn’t that include our ability to create a God for ourselves? yikes!
I long to be a student that the professor seeks out to answer a question in class, knowing or at least in high hopes and confidence that I will have the correct answer OR a new perspective or viewpoint to add to the mix. Will I never be that student? Why do I want that so badly? I try and be the invisible one a lot of times and find it hard to interact with fellow students too on just talking about the actual subject matter of the class. I wish again, I could do better at that too! As I took the exit off route 83 to my home in Harrisburg I thought to myself how I am growing up and on my own more but really I chose this by default of where I am at school and that If I had the choice I would have no idea where I’d go, but still I just feel ill-placed here or something.? It Doesn’t make sense.

I thought of seeing my counselor today. I definitely want to talk about my INDECISIVENESS in therapy now; I just want to get better at dealing with it and being ok with decisions I make and not dwelling and making them super dramatic and blowing out of proportion. Speaking of dramatic too, I realize that I really don’t let myself be heard fully with people. Even when I desire to tell more there is something in me that holds me back. I think a lot of times it’s embarrassment and thinking that what I’m about to share is not significant or important enough, that it is just a silly, petty problem that Kori can figure out on her own.

Smiling

So all I have to do (I just figured it out) is to look at pictures of my adorable niece Josie before I sit down to tackle some homework! The innocence and joy of life is written all over her and my sisters and brother-in-law, animals, any one that comes in contact with this child!!
Bad thing is they live across the country. Good thing is I get to fly there in a month:)

Check out my sister's first daughter, Josephine Elaine here. She keeps it well updated, thanks holly i love you!

Rebellion or Disengagement?

As I begin to write my essay on The Promise by Chaim Potok, I want to share this quote from the book. I feel it describes so well the place I am at currently with my Faith, Religion, "Christian Walk" whatever you want to call it.

"The Orthodoxy in which Abraham Gordon had been raised by his parents in Chicago became a riotous mockery to him about one year before he entered the university. He never really rebelled against his religion. He simply stopped taking it seriously. Rebellion, said Abraham Gordon, is a conscious act of the will directed by persuasion. Turning one's back upon ideas or institutions is therefore not an act of rebellion but an act of disengagement. The old is considered dead.
All Through college he considered the old dead. And yet strangely enough, he found it impossible to abandon the rituals of the tradition. The entire theological structure upon which those rituals were based had disintegrated into a joke: creation in six days, the revelation, miracles, a personal God-all of it. But the rituals-particularly prayer, kashruth, the Shabbat, and the festivals-had intrinsic value for him."

more thoughts later...when i can afford the time to write for pleasure;) Anyone reading this have thoughts on this?

transitions stink, pee yoo!

As I sit here on my big wrap around couch and try to finish The Promise by Chaim Potok so I can write my essay on it for next week; I come to a new chapter section and the quote underneath, introducing the next book reads, "All beginnings are difficult"-the Midrash. This was a comfort to me and a needed bit of (indiscreet) advice. Earlier today I was sitting on my floor chanting inner peace as a meditation exercise. About 90% of the time though, I was thinking of how much I am not at peace and that am thinking about everything EXCEPT these words I am supposed to be saying right now! I am full of anxiety, doubts, fears as i begin a semester of college yet again. But I will try try try to remember that all beginnings are difficult and to give myself some grace to fall back on when I just want to curl up and cry. I am determined to give it the good fight! I am resolved now, thank you for inner peace.

Writing

So I have been away for quite some time. Not exactly sure why but i think it has to do with working alot this summer, not feeling too inspired to write on much and most recently moving into my new home in Harrisburg and beginning classes this fall.

So I am back none the less and after only two "syllabus/orientation" days of class I am already full of inspiration, juices are flowing and ideas are just around the corner (i hope.) Because number one, my professors are amazing! number two I will be doing ALOT of writing this semester and number three all of my classes rock and are in my major.
Theology of Religions
Religions of China and Japan
Old Testament Literature
History of Christianity
Biblical and Religious Studies Major Senior Seminar

I am full of different emotions at this point in the semester. As I have told many of you, I am definitely feeling this transition time in my life-entering my fifth year of College, living in a community where we share basically everything;most importantly FOOD! as well as, commuting to school so it feels more like a job and when i'm on campus its all business and homework and when i'm home its all social/relationship building and cooking/cleaning. And I also plan to join the swim team at Messiah, which is in its first year! exciting stuff but hard stuff, especially the whole getting into shape to compete again (haven't swam in a meet since senior year of high school 2004) and two two-a-days! waking up at 5 30 AM!? I don't know about it, but i'm giving it a royal effort because I want to feel good about myself and I know from the past, athletics has definitely done that for me and exercising regularly is so good for anyone.

Changing topics and back to school-I'd just like to share a little advice I received from a Professor, speaking to the whole class; he told us that the key to writing is NOT creativity and artsy, impressive language and so on, but the key is- One, knowing what you want to say and Two, writing it clearly and succinctly. And what made the most impression on me was the first priority for a writer, and that being, to know what you want to say. I find now, that that has been my biggest problem area and accounts for (I think) why my writing has not been completely finished and/or clear enough to the reader, for their full understanding of my meaning. Just like that sentence, even now I am re-reading and changing things around and still it seems jumbled and confusing and a run-on. haha, prime example.
So I am looking forward to really working on this and believe me, I will not have any problem with lack of assignments for practicing, because I am taking a writing intensive class. It is so encouraging to hear my professors say that a large goal/priority for them this semester in each particular course, is to make us better writers, thinkers and to really polish our skills in theological writing!

There is one professor whom I had prior to this year, that i have again, who is just one of those people you want to record and listen to their brilliant words over and over. He told us today that we will need to learn how to "economize our use of the English language" in writing our briefs and book reviews which have a strict word count limit.

I will sign off with a promise to you and myself to keep writing, even when I don't think it is good enough. I may post some of my book reviews and other essays if they are pertinent and I think some of you would find them intriguing and engaging enough. Remember that I look forward to your responses:)