It's Medical

So last week in a church, during the time when people from the congregation can voice any news they have for prayer requests or joys to share, Something struck me hard. I can't even count, probably at least half a dozen of them raised prayer requests for family members or friends battling cancer. I could feel an aura of concern, understanding, and support in the room.

I have had a very difficult past few months to put it lightly, in terms of my mental health. When I sought an intensive treatment for it, for the first time I believed what I was told; that I have a medical illness, like cancer. It is medical. And I was told there's hope; that however is for another post. And you see, the sad thing is people diagnosed and in treatment to get a handle on this kind of illness, find themselves having to "take care" of others simultaneously when they don't quite know how to support that person. And additionally, treatment is so incredibly complex, confusing, and really like throwing "darts in the dark" (as I've heard Dr.Amon describe the experience from a psychiatrists' point of view)
*side-note, in the youtube video of Dr. Amon he makes a very profound distinction that out of all the medical specialists in the field of medicine, psychiatrists are the only ones to virtually never look at the organ they treat.

And so, back to church community and what struck me. I couldn't help but wonder what the aura would feel like among the congregation after an individual stood up and asked for healing and prayer for a loved one with say, bipolar. What would the reception be like when I or any individual struggling with a mental disorder such as depression asked for prayers or wanted to "update" the congregation on their journey, in comparison to a prognosis, treatment plan, or update of someone with cancer. How would they see that person afterwards and how would they try and support that person? It is hard to even know when not many are sharing. And I think the reason why more aren't standing up is because like I mentioned, they are (in a unhealthy way), "taking care" of others for fear of being "too much", labeled, judged, or misunderstood. .

So, when you are there, in the chair across from your doctor or therapist, you sometimes have a horrible thought; I'd rather have cancer or something more "straight-forward and medical". This may sound offensive, foolish, outlandish, and just unimaginable (not to mention completely unproductive)-but I assure you reader, I am telling you my truth and some others I know of too; who are brave enough to admit the horrors of being mentally ill. We do not want to have these thoughts of course. BUT I think I need a place to tell them aloud because I think it is a reflection of society's stigma, still today.
I am thankful it is improving little by little.

Additionally, I am in no means trying to suggest people with cancer don't struggle greatly and it is much easier. In fact I see very similar ways (despair, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, isolation, loneliness) we struggle; but again, I find this as a healthy platform to get the wheels turning. Wheels that have been turning within my mind for years (and many a prayer request offerings...) It has been hard to get out too because, as someone told me recently, "depression is the swallowing of your feelings."

I have felt comfortable enough in the past to voice my condition and have experienced an array of responses. I kept thinking in the church service today, that I hope for a day when half a dozen individuals can stand up and ask for prayer for a mental illness and not be afraid of their being placed outside of the socially acceptable box of medical issues. And I hope for a day when those taking it all in, to have the social skills to engage these people in their medical treatment, and to see it as such a thing, medical; not an embarrassing, unspeakable, demon-possession (yes), or signs of a weak, helpless, and lesser person who needs to be fixed and changed completely by a professional or who is incapable of relating to others.

Most importantly though, I pray that the people with depression, etc. will be first to make the steps to get us there. I'm proud to say I believe they are/will be: because they are more brave and courageous than most! I've been told I'm strong in my darkest moments and couldn't believe that, but I do now. For myself personally too I'd like to say I've been humbled lately through my treatment and afterwards. I'm seeing the necessity in readjusting expectations of people and myself. But not to the point I don't talk about what needs to be talked about. I won't swallow my scary feelings anymore.

So after this seemingly "venting" blog post I offered here for mental illness to be considered on the same level as cancer...I really am trying to balance it out on my end by being understanding too.

In honoring where I am, I must honor where the other is.

Six Word Memoir

This was on a previous post that I rediscovered. I really enjoyed making up my own--these things called 
6 word memoirs
here's some new ones for this season of life:

back to the heart of prayer
*
new realities life gives new love
*
how to let go and control

Here are my favorite previous 6 word memoirs:

Continual Pursuit of Balance and Stability

I was Mom's 40th Birthday Surprise 

Walk the Talk my friend

So, I can tell that my words and common phrases (very common and perhaps over-used?) with the children I work with, are being shined down upon from the heavens, I believe- to speak to this lowly human; so unworthy, but thankful none the less! Here is what I’ve been learning, in the glory of the illuminated screams and tantrums:

So back to these common phrases I utter to children every day; along with most adults present in their lives I am sure. I will commonly say, for example, “you need to control your body”  or that something like spitting on the floor is plainly, “not ok” or time to clean up is just “not your choice” are revealing themselves to be very applicable in my own life. 

I can hold myself from spitting, at least until i'm outside on a run. I know when it is ok and not ok, and I fortunately have ample opportunities to make choices like when to do something, on my own time schedule. However this does not mean I cannot relate to the three year old. Yep, I’m in my mid twenties and still  learning lessons these pre-schoolers are beginning to master. No shame though; I know I’m not alone! 

Whether these phrases are speaking to breaking bad habits of communication, or gaining control through discipline in terms of healthy intake and exercise of your body; I see clearly, thanks to this revelation from the heavens, that viewing these things NOT as an option or choice but as one of my very medications to function and survive; I’d be much better off! Sounds to me like when God’s prophets proclaim over and over again in the Old Testament or Hebrew Bible, “obey these laws…SO THAT, it may go well with you”. You see, I am diagnosed with Depression and anxiety and it is no secret of mine, nor of almost every family member close to me. I have had to accept that It is our similar cross to bear so to speak; the cards we were dealt, but it is not hopeless or the end of the world, even when depression tells you this repeatedly. 

Thankfully the way I interact with these little human beings tells me that to be better off, I need to act in such a way that these choices (control your body, that's not ok, it is not up to you) do not appear as actual choices. From now on I would like to make it my understanding that unhealthy habits of mine are no longer an option to choose but are simply not available to do. I must practice what will help me be better off; habits I just simply must practice to do every day. Correction, not simply, because if it was I wouldn't be writing this, but someday I hope them to at least come more naturally. FOR, the end result with the children, we are taught in Montessori, is ironically; what I claim so often to desire;

Independence!

And so, as of late I am telling KORI these common phrases simultaneously, as I look on in true empathy when these little ones struggle to put on their jackets, snow boots, gloves and mittens by themselves; when they become upset and lash out in their frustration when we suggest they first ask a friend to help them, before turning to a seemingly more wise and competent person (the teacherJ) to do the hard work for them.  

With freedom comes discipline, as I wrote a theory paper on this very topic, and girl, is it true! Freedom as an adult can so easily go awry and come to bite you in the butt if not used in moderation and consciousness. Just as I need to regulate the children's freedoms through these common phrases; I hope to really begin limiting my own freedoms as well; I guess that is another way of practicing discipline. 

That is something I have been aiming to do-even through this dry season of blogging. But I am glad to be back. I truly love to write-to express myself in such a way, I cannot deny is a special gift and I know this not because of people telling me, but because of the joy that overflows when my hands and fingers ache after a journal entry. Thank you for reading and always the feedback, responses, etc.

And I would love to hear some other “common phrases” too. It can get tiring to listen to one’s self, as I’m sure it is for the children too! At least they are in a sensitive period for repetition and language though, right Montessorians? ;)

Why do they call it Work?

In defence -but more importantly- to promote a Clearer Understating

of 

Montessori Education

 

"We have been wrongly accused of wanting to deprive children of Joy! But our intention is neither to give them joy nor to take it away. Quite the contrary. The child in our prepared environment does not play. He works, and greed disappears; he works, and laziness disappears. He wants to do everything!"

 

-Education and Peace by Dr. Maria Montessori

 

Compared to traditional education, the child is the center of the learning in Montessori and we are serving them. This is our foundation. They will learn and we will learn through them.

Trusting in my Happiness

These are lyrics from the song "Such Great Heights" by the band Postal Service, that truly reflect a beautiful relationship of mine: here it is,

I, am thinking it's a sign

that the freckles In our eyes are mirror images

and when We kiss they're perfectly aligned.

And I, have to speculate

that God himself Did make us into corresponding

shapes like Puzzle pieces from the clay.

*****************************************************************************************

Really?

Yes.

- Thanks, you know who you are :)

Endnote:
The link however is a cover of the song by the band - Iron&Wine

a life philosophy

I'm listening to audio adrenaline lyrics that are my day right now (this was a few weeks ago...?)

"humbliness is left untasted. you can't live your life to please yourself. to win you've got to come in last place. i get down he lifts me up i get down he lifts me up i get down.
all i needs another day where i can't get away from the many things that drag me down.
when nothing seems to set you free from burdens that you can't carry on your own.
in your darkness he shines through
when you're all alone
he's carrying you!"


There are "la la la la's" throughout the song which are beautiful.



How amazing is this? even though every time recently i feel awful and unworthy and almsot shy to come before God's presence; when I've fallen and chosen darkness once more-Eventually her spirit overcomes me with conviction saying, "Kori-you are my child and you are loved unconditionally- I am already here."

At church last week they played a powerful gospelish/spiritual feeling song--> with the simple but profound message that was repeated again and again- "You see the best in me" And amazing enough this mind-set and philosophy of seeing people anytime at their best, maybe not always what is in front of you-that is what I will strive to do with children (well everyone too)and have learned practical ways to through my 'Montessori education'

Sweet as! (Belize reference-New Zealander phrase for : cool)

I can say with heartfelt thanks and complete faith (as much as possible), that that is what God does everyday, no matter what. The Great Mystery sees you at your highest potential, the closest you are to being made in His likeness.
Genesis 1:27

God is good ALL the time, ALL the time God is good!

It’s going to be a good year! Maybe even an amazing, awesome, and transforming one. Coming out of a darkness and depression can be the most high, beautiful, thankful place I can be; so maybe it was worth it? Maybe it was a load put on me that I could indeed bare but only through the help of others, God’s love manifested in their prayers and support. I have so many to thank and want to do so, on this blog:
Sara Kelly, Sarah, Mindy, Jenny – my sisters and housemates.
Elaine and Bill Shelden
Holly, Chip, Corinne and Josie and Buster
Molly, Kathy, Aaron, Suzanne, Lorenza, Paige, Haley, Rachel, Emily – my Montessori peers and friends
Jenell Paris – Anthropology professor
Laura Harrington – Dr. of psychology
Patrick, Gretch, Chris, Eddie, Nick – old and new friends!
My new “home” church called Mosaic has provided another amazing spiritual element to my life. I’ve never felt more welcome to a church or any group setting really. I want to share some of the things we reflected on and were asked to answer personally.
How has God tested my faith?
“coming to Urban Home works (the intentional community I live in) and having such passionate and prayerful roommates made me look at God again as a personal being and who I need to communicate with – in order for any good change to come to my life (which has recently been dried with a hardened heart sometimes because I left that relationship with the Lord.) And I forgot when I do so, She speaks! He’s challenged me to face my anger, jealousy, and pride. God has humbled me in the best way and through my education in Montessori too.” -me
Do you know what your best is?
“my best is loving people and seeing their best. Failure and Confidence too.” -me
And another gentleman shared that he thought it was a great question to ask himself and probably had never thought of it before-however he couldn’t find an answer to it. A woman responded to this saying that that was a sufficient answer and not knowing is a good sign that you haven’t arrived yet. I liked that.
Would you be willing to give your best to God?
Heck yes! But your best will not always be recognized by the world – be humbled and ok with it.
Do you have an action plan to begin to use your gifts, strengths, and talents?
Heck yes!
I will continue to be consistent in all areas of life, growing in self-discipline through God’s grace.
I will continue to reach out and ask for help.

**Dr. Laura Harrington opened my eyes to this truth:
“when you ask a person to help you, that is honoring them.”

Rewards and Punishments

A surprising discovery made through Dr. Maria Montessori's observation of the first group of children in a children's house, in Rome Italy in 1907.

No need for rewards or punishment—Children have an Intrinsic Desire to learn. Observation of children has led to the knowledge that a child’s desire to learn comes from within and so rewards and praise are not necessary and can even decrease that intrinsic desire. From a recent study today, (years later after Montessori discovered this keep in mind) when two groups of children were given a task and one group promised a reward at the end and the other no reward—children in the group given a reward did it more quickly and would not repeat. The other children would take their time—showing that sustained interest leads to a deeper understanding. Again this was so surprising to Montessori that many experiments and further observation were necessary for her conclusion to abolish the rewards and punishment technique on children for it did no good and even could do damage to that internal drive in children.

Truth

I wrote a poem, after getting home from a bike ride today...I call it Truth because that is a word hard for me to define, but now I'm a little closer to it, I think:)

Truth
I saw truth and beauty in a sunset today.
I stopped riding my bike so I could practice mindfulness.
I simply wanted to stop and sit in the straw grass near to the edge of the lake and stones.
So I did.
I parked my bike to the fence and sat down among the straw that almost hid me, it was so tall.
I stared straight ahead at the small pinkish area of the sky. This was only the beginning of the revelation to come.
I kept my attention focused on that area and gradually but without visible movement that I could identify, the color spread upwards and outwards.
It was still a solid color, contrasting very much to the very solid blue skyline.
Then it came.
The holes, cracks, openings in the pink color emerged and rapidly grew outwards and spread quite rapidly.
The thought came to me, was planted in my mind, that these holes, cracks, openings in the pink color of the sunset were the flaws in me.
My weaknesses, my secrets, my vulnerability, my self-consciousness, my ugliness, my flaws
They were spreading to fill the entire sky I could see.
As it spread, I began to appreciate the look, the view I was experiencing was nice.
It was different than the solid pink.
It gave texture. It reminded me of a ripple in water when it is disturbed by something, like a stone or log.
The stone is sin. The stone could be sin.
Or the stone is the environment. The stone could be the environment that formed me to be who I am.
The rapidity to which the holes, cracks, openings spread made me think it was moved by some force.
A life force, I call a spirit, the soul, the Holy Spirit.
I’ve been taught and have accepted-
that God’s Holy Spirit dwells somewhere within every person in the world.
Therefore I thought to myself, watching the truth of the sunset dance before me…
God’s spirit, God’s self moves through us, through our holes, cracks, openings
And it was beautiful.
It was truth.
I couldn’t deny what was in front of me.

Humbly Bringing Change

Dr. Maria Montessori said,

"How splendid it would be

if we could, by standing ready

by treating the child intelligently

with understanding of his vital needs

prolong the period in which he has this capacity to absorb!

What a service we should render mankind

if we could help the human being to acquire knowledge without fatigue

If people could find themselves replete with information without knowing how they came by it-as it were by magic!

Thought it is true, is it not,

that all the works of nature are

perhaps, magical and mysterious?"

:)

-p. 28 in The Absorbent Mind

KoriMontessorus!

I don't even know where to begin, but I think this is the best place and time as any. As many of you know I moved about a month ago to Minnesota to attend MTCM, the Montessori Training Center of Minnesota, in Saint Paul. I do have to say that thus far, the experience has been more than I could have expected! In the quality, the inspirational aspect, the dedication of the staff and my fellow trainees couldn't be any better. I finally feel I am where I should be in terms of a vocation and calling in life and although I am aware of how much further I have to go, I simply know I am stepping into a beautiful and significant profession. Montessori is so complex and different than any other method or tradition of education taught, that I know of, and I do get overwhelmed when someone who is unfamiliar with it asks me, "well what exactly is Montessori?" I get overwhelmed because I want so badly to do it justice and accuracy but have again a long way to go in developing this, what I see now as, skill...And that is what this blog is for now as well, to help me explain to the world unfamiliar with Montessori, what it is.

The Montessori method was developed over years of observation and trial and error scientific experimentation by a woman beyond her time, a genius really, and to me an anthropologist through and through. By profession however she was a physician, and the first woman to attain an M.D. in Italy (University of Rome) in 1896!! She then pursued a second degree in the Art, Science, and Profession of Teaching and from 1897-1898 Maria gained all the knowledge she could by reading all major works on education philosophy in the last 200 years. That is only the beginning of her impressive life.

What I absolutely love though, is where the seeds of the method came out of, that we now implement in Montessori schools around the world. (It is important to note too that Dr. Montessori never wanted it to called a method and merely gave credit to the children; And encouraged adults to look to the child, to follow the child and continue to learn from them.)
It all began after Maria Montessori worked with disabled children and produced amazing results in their test scores. She did this through introducing them to materials, many of which first were created by two important men: Gaspard Itard (1775-1838) and Edouard Seguin (1812-1880) who both researched and built upon their findings that children learn much better through engaging all their senses. After she was praised for these results, Maria was actually more intrigued and interested to see if "normal children" were being held back and not pushed to their potential and wanted to try out these materials on them. She was later given this opportunity through a crazy story and series of events that took place in the San Lorenzo district in an old housing project, coined the "shame of Italy", that began to be revived in the early 1900's. Dr. Montessori was then called upon to see to the children there who were left alone all day when the adults would go to work...to be continued:)

the daily quote, because she is so quotable!

"This phenomenon of creation and evolution makes manifest the power of God, who chose to make the newborn appear infinitely frail, while endowing him with the omnipotence of superhuman energies." San Remo Lecture: III The Absorbent Mind

endnote: the title 'KoriMontessorus" was created by one of housemates! Shout out to B-Love.

the girls and their chicks

I Will Change My Ways

These lyrics have recently hit home for me in my life at present, and I'd like to share them:) I know many see these as a break-up song lyrics, but it has many meanings, which is super neat and talented I think in song lyrics.

--------------------------------------------------
"It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk, Away from all the fears And all the faults you've left behind.

The harvest left no food for you to eat. You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see But I have seen the same I know the shame in your defeat.

But I will hold on hope and I won't let you choke, On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time. You take what is yours and I'll take mine. Now let me at the truth Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears. I can see widows and orphans through my tears I know my call despite my faults And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways. I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands And see the world hanging upside down. You can understand dependence When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call And sing all you want I will not hear what you have to say. Cause I need freedom now And I need to know how To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again."

--------------------------------------------------

My Cave is depression, dependence. what's yours, do you have one? have you had one in the past you have walked out of?

My Sirens are the negative thoughts that bombard my head whenever i try to do the right, healthy and best thing for me in the moment. the sirens never seem to shut-up, but you just learn how to speak back, ignore or just push through the lies to the light, to the truth.

I liked to read what others have thought about the words and appreciated them greatly.

a new mantra - I will find strength in Pain.

A Spiritual Nurturer

A quote from the Book: Nurturing the Spirit: In Non-Sectarian Classrooms

"I am a spiritual nurturer...I don't have to instill spirituality in a child, we have only to protect it from being trampled on and to nourish its growth."

ONE of the many reasons I can't wait to be a Montessori Teacher:)

stages of grief

Please watch this in its entirety, the first part explains what it is about:) this was on last evening's show of So You Think You Can Dance?

me today :) blasting in my car

I saw you today
My familiar stranger
Everything's changed
You have come so far
You're different now
Would you go back, would you want to anyhow

Chorus: Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the you I knew before
Say hello, say hello to a new beginning
Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the you I knew before
This is your genesis

Face to face
The present and past collide
And it's no mistake
I see the future is in your eyes
You seem so free
Like nothing's ever gonna keep you down

Chorus

You're different now
You're different somehow
You're different now

Chorus

Say goodbye, say goodbye

"One Man Disney Movie" Nick Pitera Disney Medley Music Video

thank you johnny

this kid is amazing.

Team Christina Performance | Lady Marmalade | the voice Aguilera Jaquel ...

i got chills!!! wooohoooo the power of singing and performing

An Offering of Solidarity

This is to give you a taste of what the days looked like. I be back with more of my processing of the issues I was opened up to and how it effected me and how I want to get involved further.
I am truly thankful for this experience.

So, as many of you know I walked 75 miles last week with 66 other individuals from Tucson, Phoenix, Tempe (myself and two others from UPC, church I attend), border communities in AZ, Michigan, Colorado, CA, NYC (including an Anthropology Columbia student originally from Brazil getting her ph.d and an NYU Professor taking footage for his documentary on border issues), North Carolina, Philadelphia, Canada, Peru, Guatemala and we ranged from 18 years to 77 years. A large portion of my experience was due to these amazing people who were once coined as “power houses in their communities” which is a very accurate description. I was surrounded by mostly bilingual people from all walks of life. Many of whom are involved in human rights border and immigration organizations (Coalicion de Derechos Humanos, Borderlinks, Humane Borders, No more Death, Coloradans for Immigrant Rights, Samaritans in Tucson, Frontera de Cristo, etc. as a career and/or as a volunteer.

This was a walk that is in its 8th year running and was brainstormed by a few people that are still today involved in the organization and running of the annual Migrant Walk; it’s purpose is to raise awareness for the outrageous number of deaths that occur and continue to happen to migrants attempting to cross the border for a better life and provide for their loved ones back in Mexico. We shared the space in which a majority of these deaths have been occurring (Sonora)and found evidence of their journeys. It was a walk of solidarity, not so much experiencing anything remotely like a typical migrant would experience because we had an abundance of security and trust among our community as well as hospitality that would overwhelm you and ample amounts of supplies/equipment to make our journey as comfortable and safe as possible. So the most basic thing a migrant and one of us had in common was simply the environment, the setting; namely the desert we both crossed on our feet. But even then we walked at different times in the day because obviously we weren’t hiding from border patrol so we were free to walk in daylight and the early hours of morning when it was coolest. And we could walk on trails that were already open and vehicles drive on, we knew where we were going and those of us who didn’t, we were able to put our full trust and faith in our leaders knowing they would never abandon us or exploit us in any way.

Each person was put on a team. I had the pleasure of being on the logistics team. There was the environmental team “poop crew”, medical, who took care of the blisters and reminded us to drink water and listen to our bodies, food team, pretty self-explanatory, security team who kept us in a straight line and told us when to get over “CAR!” and when to get back on the line. It was so very well organized, I and many of my other friends who were 1st timers were astounded at how well things ran.

We would leave at 5:30 am after packing up all our camping gear (Logistics team was in charge of that tetras puzzle project of fitting all the luggage into a uhaul that would be packed to the brim each time, but always seemed to work out:) ) and we’d walk an average of 10-12 miles a day with frequent water and snack spots. We all carried white crosses that we held or had in our camelbacks/backpacks that had a name and age of a person identified as dead in the desert. We had times when we’d be silent and call out their names and other legs we had to talk to our neighbor either next to us or behind us and got rather good at talking over our shoulders without turning around and veering off (Security did their job there.) By noon -1pm we would be done for the day and the rest of the time we’d set up camp and wade out the heat under tents and laying on tarp or sitting on chairs, napping or reading or having conversations and of course being served lunch. For dinner a particular church or organization or family would come to our campsite and serve us a delicious and bountiful meal (including a highlight after Thursdays' 16 miler we were served authentic Thai food from a Buddhist monk from Tucson and slept inside a hospitable church) and Humane Borders would come to fill our water and sometimes offer us a hair rinse, which was just beautiful.

Here is the site if any of you are interested in next year. I will be there!