Beware: Word Vomit

Let me try to recall all the different thoughts I had on my ride home today. First, I wonder to myself if I am just biding my time, with getting an education, before I become a mother and wife and that becomes my job and priority? I want to talk to my Anthropology Professor (female) about this more and others, thoughts? I know I have learned so much and the importance of learning outside of education and so this statement seems utterly backwards and just unbelievable it is coming from ME, but sadly it is none-the-less. I also think if I do not start to really truly believe in myself and my capability to give, contribute, work, function, enhance those around me then I will never make an interesting life that I idealize for myself i.e. live in a cool place, teach at a college, or counsel at my own practice, ride my bike everywhere, read, write, publish, travel and never get unhealthy, oh and duh, raise my very own family. I honestly have thought to myself of the scenario or possibility that I really truly do NOT have what it takes to be a Professor or Counselor or Writer and so this is all just a waste of time and shouldn’t I have figured this out long ago? I have been reading so much of theology and philosophy as of late for my classes and am full of all kinds of theories, oh what to believe? I scare myself at how easily I come to not quite believe but see the light and truth in some of Freud’s work about religion and God. Frightening, how easy it is for me to believe that we (as a human race) just made it all up, conjured it up in our heads, wish for it to be this way and then actualize it. I've thought this plenty of times before but never verbalized or wrote it out but reading someone else express it that same way--is kind of what happened when i read Freud today. Of course I see order to the universe and so forth and think there must be a reason and something behind it all, but I will never have the slightest idea; all I have are generations of what others have found to be true. People are capable of quite a lot and that includes their imaginations and creativity. So couldn’t that include our ability to create a God for ourselves? yikes!
I long to be a student that the professor seeks out to answer a question in class, knowing or at least in high hopes and confidence that I will have the correct answer OR a new perspective or viewpoint to add to the mix. Will I never be that student? Why do I want that so badly? I try and be the invisible one a lot of times and find it hard to interact with fellow students too on just talking about the actual subject matter of the class. I wish again, I could do better at that too! As I took the exit off route 83 to my home in Harrisburg I thought to myself how I am growing up and on my own more but really I chose this by default of where I am at school and that If I had the choice I would have no idea where I’d go, but still I just feel ill-placed here or something.? It Doesn’t make sense.

I thought of seeing my counselor today. I definitely want to talk about my INDECISIVENESS in therapy now; I just want to get better at dealing with it and being ok with decisions I make and not dwelling and making them super dramatic and blowing out of proportion. Speaking of dramatic too, I realize that I really don’t let myself be heard fully with people. Even when I desire to tell more there is something in me that holds me back. I think a lot of times it’s embarrassment and thinking that what I’m about to share is not significant or important enough, that it is just a silly, petty problem that Kori can figure out on her own.