Arizona, the New Chapter

Well I've been anything but bored...My sister says I am receiving a natural form of birth control being out here spending all day like a parent with her two little ones. I agree. I am still on the job hunt for work in the social services. Once something comes through, I for sure will write here. Other than that, this is my current library index:

Have read* The Abstinence Reader and The Poison wood Bible and almost finished the 19th Wife
Currently reading * Ishmael, The World is Flat, God and Politics, Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife (my guilty pleasure bed time reading, haha)
Soon to get to ** The Red Tent, God helps those who help themselves (book on reiki)

(Am contemplating writing book and movie reviews on here, from this lady's ideas)

I volunteer at Grace Hospice which I've enjoyed thus far. More on that too as it progresses and I start visiting with a continuous person, right now I've traveled to several people/families with their social worker.

Now to what I want to my post:

Are we all sinners of the same merit? I am a questioning person, a curious cat and finally after a brainwashing of evangelical Christianity phase of my life, I feel I am free to ask the world and myself these questions. This came up due to my reading the 19th Wife, a novel and historical account of the rise of Mormonism, more through the eyes of the women and children. So I'm at a part about the Utah Reformation in which an elder leader comes to a church and essentially forces confessions out of all even if they may either be lying about such sins or they don't have any that comes to mind and so they are hunted down and made to anyway- to ensure their eternal salvation.

This actually hits home to when I'd be sitting in a hard pew on a Sunday morning, racking my brain trying to think of a sin to confess to God in a corporate prayer setting. I am not saying all days I'd have nothing to fess up to the Almighty (I'm not trying to come across self-righteous here), however I will honestly admit my struggle to always think of how I may have offended God or another person was frustratingly confusing and became an unhealthy cycle of confession, doubt, regret and guilt. I can see the good part in this "exercise" to try and discipline oneself to think of others and not always be self-absorbed, but there is a balance to this to make it healthy and helpful, true and not just some bullshit to fit in with the community. I am a full believer in humanity's flaws but also in our goodness and potential for love, our strengths as creatures of a higher being/One/great unified mystery we will never fully comprehend (yes, i still have no comfortable name for God currently, but I'm sure you still get my drift). Confession of "sin" to me these days means more admittance to flaws to oneself and others who've been hurt by them. I'd appreciate any of your thoughts on the initial question.

I think religion like anything else has equal potential for good and bad and the Utah reformation is an example (and no doubt there have been plenty other like-times in history in all religious sects this has occurred-no singular blame on the LDS.) And I do not blame fully my years of evangelical training because i think part of the problem was the type of person i was at the time, an impressionable teenager, very much open to what authority figures (whom I liked and admired and wanted to emulate) had to say...And it was strong stuff, dealing with life and death; moral and ethical issues that I felt had to be taken at black and white value. But even then in a silent corner of my brain and heart i had unexpressed desires for delving into the doubtful and tragically beautiful depths of the gray; the colors and diversity of life. That is where i live now.

I think I know now that my education at Messiah College was much for that purpose, to allow me space and freedom (with no judging and guilt tacked onto thinking outside the cookie-cutter Christian bubble I learned in Moorestown). I am so thankful for this woman for coming to Messiah College and bringing with her cultural Anthropology!
Not all of my questions are answered. However, the most crucial one has been. That is, that I've received the answer- I will never know the answers to all my questions. I will never be satisfied and completely convinced of my answers. And that is life, that is OK, that is all i can expect to receive from this universe of potential for good and bad. I am thankful for the open-minded perspective I have at the young age of 23 and am proud! I will say it again; I am proud of the person I am today, And i won't allow the perspective that i am a rotten sinner, unworthy of love to take that truth away:)

I think I've got it down now. Got what down? How to live each day at a time, to live in the present and see the beauty and worth in each moment- even the frustrating, trying of patient ones. (ehm...Josie...the job market) simplicity has enabled this, I believe.

I am a nomad, a traveler, a "beach bum babe" (sarah miller says;) I need little but the basic essentials-glasses, a book, paper & pen, clothes, food and self-confidence. Oh and treats of ice-cream, natural wonders- creation and animals, theatrical art, music, etc...good kinship and solitude.

I've learned this through the years of community living in Central America, college road trips, hikes, camping at national parks, living off others' hospitality (Which makes me look forward to when I can be more of the benefactor) Germany, Kenya and now Arizona!

I just got home to Tempe, AZ from San Diego, CA which was simply AMAZING! I tried out surfing and saw a few friends and played with the family! now back to the desert where I will continue writing hopefully weekly. This i have missed.



Peace and Love from me to you.