Just Fine

"music is the healing source of the world" -a song on the radio, (can't remember? sorry.)
A sampling of Verses I relate to from Alanis Morissette's very real lyrics: "Hand in my Pocket"

I'm broke but I'm happy,

I'm poor but I'm kind.

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed.

I'm lost but I'm hopeful.

I've got one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a high five.

I'm young and I'm underpaid.

I'm tired but I'm working.

I'm high but I'm grounded.

I care but I'm restless.

I'm here but I'm really gone.
I'm wrong and I'm sorry.
I'm sad but I'm laughing.
I'm sick but I'm pretty.
I'm free but I'm focused.

What it all comes down to is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet.

And What it all boils down to is that no one's really got it figured out yet.

And what it all comes down to, my friends, is that every thing's gonna be fine, fine, fine.

My words: "Music is the voice of God, the voice of wisdom, age-less, time-less, speechless it is."

"Nothing is ours. All belongs to God and we are temporary tenants to the master, if you will. So, having like-minded attitude that all we possess is for the purpose of sharing then we're on a ready course to give and not hoard away selfishly."
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I'm still trying to figure out how I want to write on this blog. I may try out some new things soon. Feedback is welcome, thanks!

Daily Life

"Every day takes figuring out again how to fucking live." -one character's quote from the HBO series, Deadwood.
I am feeling this today. I think sometimes one just needs to get dirty to appreciate cleanliness. Here's a Poem to describe this thought.

messy to clean the house, wash dishes, take out the trash
smelly to flower fragrance air freshners
be a slob to be made up and put together
eat junk to eat healthy and delicious
laziness to be diligent and productive
self-gratification to self-discipline's gift later
skip, play hooky to be present and early
be naked to being dressed
take a break to push forward

Perhaps this is my attempt at reconciling my ups and downs? Actually that is exactly what it is.

For One Great Peace

words by Shirley Erena Murray, from the hymn For One Great Peace


this thread I weave this step I dance
this stone I carve
this ball I bounce
this nail I drive
this pot I shape
this fire I light
this fence I leap
this bane I knit
this seed I nurse
this rift I mend
this child I raise
this earth I tend
this truth I sign
this is a small part in one small place
of one hearts beat for one great Peace.

Four Peaks Hiking Adventure!

This is the highest peak of the four peaks with the only "name" Browns Peak-- all are in the 7,000 ft high peak range.

I ALMOST made it to the summit. This was sometime back, a few months ago...

Thank you dirt

Another disappointing trend-slacking off with my blogging. However, due to another real-life disappointment of resigning from my position working at a shelter for girls in CPS just two weeks ago, I now have more time to do this kind of stuff, so hooray!

I have pictures to update you with some of my life happenings in Arizona visible on my link to my picasa album and go to Holly's for more if you like... as well as some breath-taking photos of the Grand Canyon below. from 6 days ago.

Down and up in 1 day. heck yes!

Snow/ice at the top, slid on our butts down...

So, I am in limbo once again. And thankfully, honestly, genuinely and sincerely, THANKFULLY (to dad, mom, sister, brother Chip) I have the luxury to survive with no income for a couple months now as I look for a new job. Now speaking of, I am taking it on as a full-time job to finding the adequate position that will provide me with my needs. Networking as best I can with church folks in the choir and joining Linkedin as encouraged by a dear friend's father and getting that resume out there and bugging employers until they get back to me. I am taking a hold of this search with both hands and all my well-trimmed business suits to be all I can be! (ha, maybe I should just join the armed forces, not...) Please don't ask me how the search is going, I will let you know when something promising comes or if I need encouragement, but as I'm sure you all can understand the constant questions and inquiries get to be tiresome and down right annoying however well intended they may be. Thank you. Now if you were one of the people in the above parenthesis you are not included in this request :)

SO--
A nice diversion is March Madness! Still rooting for my Nova boys in Philly and it just so happens my father who I usually watch the games with, is going to be out here!! Mom comes in two weeks as well to be together for Corinne's first birthday. And THIS here; blogging, I hope more regularly with feedback highly encouraged so I know more how YOU are. And I will get back on the horse with my letter writing too--thank you for those who have written back. Thirdly, I am going to walk every morning in time to see the sunrise and jump start my day, there is a nice new exercise route Tempe town has created to walk on so it is not all traffic lights and stores:) and not to mention a mountain with trails up the waaahzooo to explore just down the road in biking distance! As you can see below and in more pictures, I have been exploring Arizona's unique terrain on hiking trips thanks to meeting someone with a similar adventurous spirit and the means to get around his home-grown desert state.

under a sweet rock at Superstition Mountains.

I'm continually visiting my dear elderly friend Helen who is in Hospice care. It feels amazing to be loyal and committed to something and someone more importantly who truly deserves more of this attention; I have sadly learned she is very much alone, no family and so I know with assurance I make a difference. This is not me trying to brag or raise myself above you or others-so I hope it came out in a humble manner for which I do aim for. I continue to faithfully sing in the UPC choir with Holly and we have an ice-cream social to perform in ("blackbird" hol on acoustic guitar and vocals with kori back up harmonies:) as well as the Palm Sunday Cantata the choir's been working on for Months! It should be quite rewarding and beautiful to hear I might add.

"dirt made my lunch, yes dirt made my lunch, thank you dirt, thanks alot-- cuz dirt, you made my lunch." -one of the kid songs i listen to in holly's car. good messages and I must get them out of my head (ha.)



One day hol and i found ourselves jamming out to one of these and there were NO kids in the car, so we quickly realized, changed to the radio and got back our dignity! (haha.)

And I would not want to forget my most recent mini-roadtrip to California a couple weekends ago. It was all to see my best friend Lizzy and her boy Kevo (no i don't call him that it just works here) while they were in Riverside, CA looking at a potential ph.d. program for the gentleman- and the lovely Emily was my co-pilot on the drive over. We had a fabulous time (met Jaclyn Smith one of the first Charlie's Angels for those unimpressed ha, she is ironically related to the gentleman Kevin, so crazy and go figure we are there the weekend of the Academy Awards none-the-less!) and then we had a nice day/night in L.A. -first time and I enjoyed it, especially the closeness to the ocean and beach life and everyone is outdoors!! it's always beautiful so no wonder, eh? almost saw Erin who lives there now, but next time it will happen, right girl?
ok, Peace out folks. until next time!!!

ode to deadwood and my sister

"'Deadwood'...with its Shakespeare-in-the-mud swear-word-marathon mix of bloody drama and dark deeds of men (and hookers)...It's the kind of series that gets people talking." (June 02, 2006By Tim Goodman)

AND so it's got me thinking and typing, a.k.a. talking to those of you who read my humble blog:)

'Just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other' is one of the overall messages I took from this historical, mining frontier period piece, Deadwood, an American-Western fictional drama set in a real time (1870's) about a notorious law-less town called Deadwood in South Dakota.

I enjoyed the way the final episode wrapped all the different stories up. I realize this may not make much sense for anyone not having seen this HBO series that lasted only three seasons. However, there is just that pure, raw truth in it that speaks so powerfully to me-which I hope will transcend not knowing the background. we shall see.

"right or wrong you side with your feelings" -character Dan

"can you come to yourself in time to be of some fucking use?" -Dan (again) to friend and co-hort

--a question we ask of ourselves every morning, the executive producer David Milch, comments after this line of dialogue in the final episode's commentary

another great piece of dialogue

Mr. utter: you done fucking good.
Sheriff Bullock: I done fucking nothing.
Mr. Utter: that's often a tough one, in aid of the larger purpose
Sheriff Bullock: which is laying head to pillow not confusing yourself with a sucker?
Mr. Utter: far as i ever get
Sheriff Bullock: cause that's gonna be a project tonight."

David Milch again in the commentary states-"that's every night's project"

I've read some criticisms of how Deadwood was concluded and I respect Milch's defense at the end of the commentary when he says that the last line of the film spoken by Al Swearengen "camp's boss" is, "he wants me to tell him something pretty" parallels quite well how he intended to complete the show.
He says,
"tell something pretty, to please the audience you know...don't feel that the failure to wrap things up, is a failure. It's not, it's just a refusal to tell something pretty...

nothing has concluded that we should conclude about it. We gotta just keep trying to put one foot in front of the other"

Speaking truth to power is a great motif as well throughout Deadwood, as the growth from camp to town, going through many changes and outside forces entering in trying to disturb the way things are- you get to watch amazing character actors perform.

I hope this turns some of you on to watching this show on dvd--the language takes some getting used to, both the profanity and Shakespearean-like prose, I will say that much, BUT please believe me it is so worth it!

I heard somewhere that this television drama series is already being discussed in college class rooms.

Thanks Holly for introducing me to Deadwood.

grace

quote from a bubble bath bottle believe it or not!! here's to being inspired in the shower:):)

"how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, i all comes down to one word. grace. it's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light."

this is quickly becoming my life philosophy. And it has not always been. I remember when everything was so black and white and what and who was right and wrong were clear to me; made even clearer through my Christian upbringing. But now as I am older and more "worldly" shall I say, i.e. I've been outside the country, even outside my hometown would do it, taken challenging college courses, etc...AND now for me life is all about balance between the black and white/right and wrong and with that comes grace. Every person has different equations, I suppose, my goal is

humility + openness(love) = Grace

Here's a sweet lyric from the band Switchfoot, I've been listening to in the car- on my 'lovely half hour commute to work!'

"Life is a day that doesn't last for long...We've got information in the information age ,what do we know what life is, outside of our convenient Lexus cages. she said he said live like no tomorrow every moment that we borrow brings us closer to the God whose not short of cash, hey bono i'm glad you asked life still worth living, life is still worth living"

even when it's not perfect.

just a funny line

a quote from an episode of LOST

"Let's carpool man. It'll help with global warming, but that hasn't happened yet, so maybe we can prevent it."
-Hurley to the group (who are living in the past, the 70's)

I Wonder as I Wander

Hi friends--I'm finally back!!!


So, it has been approximately 4 months since I took my current job; Supervising teenage girls who are in the care of the government (Child Protective Services = CPS) and live in the shelter/home I work at for a transitional period of time. The position started out on a shaky foot, but It has gradually been improving and looks on the upside of things now. I have just about mastered my night shift schedule and am hoping that I will let myself try working the other shifts during the day when I have more responsibility and more importantly have the most interaction with the clients.
I say, "let myself" because if it was up to my boss, I would be working 7am-3pm or 3-11pm too. Personally though, I still do not feel comfortable enough because of my first few weeks on the day shift; alone and feeling like i' d been thrown to the "manipulative" wolves!
Ha. I laugh now but seriously these girls kicked my ass, I am not ashamed to admit it. There are definitely no college courses that could ever have prepared me for what I face at this job and I knew this (on some level) coming into it however it just stinks to feel so helpless and ill-equipped not to have 5 young girls under control...But OH my, these girls are so much more complex than just being teenagers--Not getting into that at this time, just yet.


Other "newness" in Arizona

*Still enjoying every day I can be so near to my sister, brother-in-law and nieces!!

*Training for the Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon on January 17th

*Hosted my mother and niece for Thanksgiving for two weeks

*Singing in the University Presbyterian Church choir with Holly and occasionally singing duets together- like at the recent Dessert Christmas concert!

*First time Black Friday shopping and will probably be the last-after 2 hours in line at Kohls.

*Visiting a hospice patient once a week; a.k.a I get to "play" masseuse for twenty minutes haha.

*Found a great counselor with a PH.D. to talk to about life; transitioning, work, and so forth...

*Totally into the shows LOST, So You Think You Can Dance?, GLEE and Deadwood and re-runs on late or in the wee hours of morning (at the shelter on the job, yes) of Will&Grace, Sex&City and Frasier! fun stuff.

**
And lastly, being glad and joyful inside for deleting my facebook account and the constant wasted time spent on such things (no judgement intended-purely a self-reflection) and also for taking on the art of letter-writing to good people back East;) It is in these small ways of being "counter-cultural" that I believe, do bring me my present happiness/fulfimment and have helped me find the real and true pure joys available everyday.

***
For me that has come in the form of--> shared daily life together again after 13 years with a beloved sister and kindred spirit named Holly. Watching and being a part of her children/my nieces who are growing before our eyes. And learning to appreciate another part of the Great Divine's creation that is the dry and mountainous, yet honest, desert.

****
Now, Of course since i absolutely love lyrics and other people's words; I chose to end with a Maroon 5 song entitled, "I'm Through With You"

(sub-text) Yes, this is intended for one male person in particular and is not meant to be cryptic. Neither are they all the things I feel about or towards him. This is simply a strengthening and supportive song for me to declare.
more to myself than to any one else. Thank you very much ;)


Can you see me, Floating above your head
As you lay in bed, Thinking about everything
That you did not do, Cause saying I love you
Has nothing to do with meaning it

And I don't trust you
Cause every time you're here
Your intentions are unclear
I spend every hour waiting for a phone call--That I know will never come.
I used to think you were the one, Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all!

You ain't ever coming back to me
That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that

Do you remember
The way we used to melt
Do you remember how it felt
When I touched you -- Oh cause I remember very well

And how long has it been
Since someone you let in
Has given what I gave to you
And at night when you sleep

Do you dream I would be there
Just for a minute or two do you?
You ain't ever coming back to me

That's not how things were supposed to be
You take my hand just to give it back
No other lover has ever done that
Heartache heartache I just have so much
A simple love with a complex touch

There is nothing you can say or do
I called to let you know I'm through with you
I ain't ever coming back to you.

end of summer...beginning yet again

It is exactly one week into my new job at Creative Innovations Inc., working for their girls group home and shelter for children in child protective services. Although there is too much to try and share currently from the challenges of this job so far, I have actually some other exciting things on my mind these days, inspired and coming from of course- a book:) However prayers for the job is so much appreciated!! Thanks.

I am almost finished with the last book in the Fitzwilliam Darcy Gentlemen series by Pamela Aidan.What a pleasure it brings me! (and it will for anyway who has read Pride & Prejudice before)

I am in a realization phase of its artistry, of the underlying understanding first of all of Jane Austen's famous fictional novel which has come to be almost real to its faithful admirers. And second, the creative muse of Aidan to tell another part of the story that is most left out of Austen's version. To me, this is a pure example of art at its core-always evolving and re-creating, working off of its predecessors, as humbly as possible, honoring who and what came before them. That excites me exceedingly! Why you say? I think just because it says there are no wrong steps, only imagination, creativity and newness at every turn! Art allows such freedom and beauty manifests itself. And again for all you Jane Austen freaks--the three books feed your lingering curiosities of Mr. Darcy and much more...

It is at times such as these, when I begin to wonder at my choice of vocation- i know, i know I'm still there, blame it on Messiah College (ha) i.e., counseling/social work to weigh it against the possibility of involvement in more of the art world. But that thought process is so vague and underdeveloped at this point, so that is all I will say on the matter:) I do regret. Yes, however I find it necessary to acknowledge what exactly those regrets are, not being ashamed of them but to let go of them and move on. In the Life of Pi, the author says something similar to this moving on business. I quote Yan Martel, he says,
"Doubt is useful for a while...If Christ played with doubt than so must we...but we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life (referring here to agnostics) is a kin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."

As Pamela Aidan's bio says she is a "librarian, teacher and storyteller, who claims a life long love of Jane Austen and the world of Regency England" -makes me want to know what my bio could be in 20 years! and my friends' too!

I can only imagine.

*Last thing, here is another quote taken from Life of Pi I thought very provoking: the author is a Christian

"Atheists are my brothers and sisters of a different faith and every word they speak, speaks of faith. Like me they go as far as the legs of reason will take me. And then they leap." -Yan Martel

Amen. Peace and Grace be with you my brothers and sisters- out there in cyber space:)